california dreams
by mydilaurentis-fields
Summary: set after wayne dies. alison saves emily's life in ways emily never thought she could. slow burn emison. trigger warning bc paige is in the first chapter we have to scream
1. broken memories

Emily Fields didn't pride herself on a lot. She was humble, modest even. But the one thing she did pride herself on was the ability to handle pain. Life had not been the kindest to her. She had lost her first and second love, she had been held for weeks in an underground bunker and forced to choose between her friends, she had been held at knife point and she been locked inside a wooden box with a live saw running in the background. She had been hurt in practically every way she could imagine; some days she could still hear the breaking of her heart echo inside her head. Yeah, she had a good understanding of pain. At least, she thought she did. Until one morning she received a phone call that made her realise she didn't; she hadn't even scratched the surface.

"Mom?" It was 2am her time, Paige was fast asleep next to her, all she could hear was her mother's ragged breathing the other end of the phone.

"Emmy" Emily climbed out of bed. She could hear the fear in her moms voice, hear the devastation trembling. It took less than a second for her to put it together.

"Dad?" She could barely choke the word out, and all she got in response was a muffled sob, her worst fear realised as she stood frozen in the centre of her dorm room. For a second she didn't make a sound, the news not settling in her brain. This was a nightmare. A horrible, disgusting nightmare; her head playing tricks on her. Wasn't it always? Paige slept soundly on the other side of the room, oblivious to the fact that her girlfriend was being ripped apart from the inside out. No tears fell from her eyes, she could only hear her mother's.

"One bullet" She eventually said in broken whispers. That's all it took for the phone to fall out of Emily's hand and smash directly on the tiled floor underneath it, the screen smashing into thousands of shards of glass, firing in all directions across the room. Emily's knees buckled under the weight of the news, she didn't even register Paige running across the room to catch her before she landed in the shattered pools of glass, face too numb to cry and her body too numb to move. Instead she screamed. She screamed so loudly and for so long that it tore at her throat, like some huge animal had taken a chunk out of her neck. And yet still she screamed. Paige chained her to her body, her arms locked around her torso as she repeated the same word over and over again.

"Dad". It exploded in the room, travelling everywhere and nowhere at the same time. A tear ran down Paige's cheek as she lifted her girlfriend up from the floor and away from the danger. Emily didn't fight it; it felt nice to have somebody take control of her. Scarlet red drops of blood fell from her hands as she lay still, her muscles on lock down, the subsequent stabs of pain not even entering her mind. Hours passed. Dragged. Plane tickets were booked and painfully quickly the late evening turned into early morning as the sun began to rise, casting a sickening glow across the room. Someone was mocking her. It should be stormy, she wanted the world to be plunged into doom and grey clouds and unbeatable rain. But she was in California. She didn't want to be in California. She wanted to be with her mom, her friends. She lay still in bed, knowing that Paige was awake but not speaking, hardly even breathing.

"Do you want some breakfast?" Her girlfriend asked, sitting up straight and clearly on edge as she waited for a response.

"No" Was all Emily replied. Her voice was hoarse and she could hear the exhaustion dripping all over it, yet when she looked at the clock she learned she had slept for almost 13 hours.

"How did you sleep?" Paige attempted conversation again, but Emily just threw the duvet over her head and went back to sleep.

…..

What felt like a month passed as she lay dormant in her bed; the only way she could tell only a day had passed was the sun slowly dipping back behind the ocean, leaving behind a dark and quiet evening. Paige had gone to practise, she had attempted to bring Emily along with her but was met with nothing but a loud, painful groan. Emily didn't want to fight with Paige, but she knew it was going to happen at one point or another. Her mouth tasted like metal; she hadn't eaten in just over a day. When she tried to move her position in bed it sounded like her whole body creaked from within, a hollow shell. Maybe it was time to have some water. Slowly, she pulled her legs from off the duvet, letting them land freely on the floor below and feeling shooting pains run up and down her legs when she did. Her phone sat peacefully on her bedside table and she couldn't decide whether to check it or not. Did people know? Had her mom already told them? Maybe it was on the news? A thousand more questions ran through her head in constant succession, questions she didn't know if she should learn the answers to. The thought of her mom left a stabbing pain in the centre of her chest and she shivered harshly; just 12 more hours until she was on a plane and in her arms again. Gradually, she managed to stay grounded on her feet as the pains slowly subsided. She was wearing sweatpants that were almost falling off of her, an old sharks jumper covering her torso that was loose everywhere, a slight rip in the shoulder from age. Blurred shapes appeared in her vision, nothing seemed real. Her hand hovered over a glass and it took her a few seconds too long to realise that it was three inches too high. All of her focus went into lowering her hand and clasping the edge, pulling it off the counter like it was the heaviest object she had ever been forced to lift. When she eventually managed to fill it with water, she downed the whole glass in less than 30 seconds, she hadn't realised just how much she was lacking. From across the room, her phone rang, breaking the uninterrupted silence that had stretched on so long it was almost welcome. She made her way across the room to answer it, thinking it would be her mother. It wasn't.

"Emily?" Spencer's voice echoed down the phone, clearly Emily had forgotten the etiquette of saying hello.

"Uh, yeah" It had been hours since she had used her voice she was surprised it still worked. She cleared it a few times, not knowing what Spencer knew was making it hard to be normal.

"Paige called" Spencer told her, her voice falling in volume as Emily's heart snapped in two all over again. She was hoping her dad could have had a few more days before it became gossip.

"Oh" Was all she replied, it was more like a weak breath than anything else.

"Em, I'm so sorry" Spencer whispered, clearly not knowing what to say- yet she had still phoned. She had still felt the need to do _something. _

"Yeah" Emily said "Thanks" There was a tangible silence down the phone, Emily collapsed back down into bed, curling herself into a ball but still enjoying the sound of Spencer's staggered breaths on the other end.

"Do you want me to fly over? I-I can take time off I'll be there in a few hours if you need me to" It was evident that she was desperate to make a difference, try and put some emotion back into her friends voice.

"I'm coming home tomorrow" Emily told her in what was probably the longest sentence she had spoken since she had heard the news. She knew it wasn't going to be a nice trip. She knew it was going to be filled with tears and memories and funeral planning.

"I'll be there" Spencer promised "whatever you need, Em" Emily wanted to protest, to tell her to not waste her money or her holiday on coming to look after her. But she couldn't get the words out, because all she wanted was her friends. An echo of a smile even greeted her mouth as she thought about seeing them.

"Okay" was all she managed to say, aware that it wasn't enough but unable to do anything more "thank you'

"Of course" She replied, clearly relieved at the lack of fight. "I spoke to the girls" She continued "they'll be there too. They've both tried calling" A tear escaped Emily's eyes at the news, and once they were open they wouldn't stop.

'I'm sorry" she spluttered "i haven't uh-I haven't been able to look at my phone" On the other end, Spencer nodded to herself.

"I get it" She assured her "I'll tell them that" Silence greeted them again.

"I should go" Emily said hesitantly "I need-I need to pack"

"Sure" Spencer said promptly "call if you need anything at all" Emily nodded, not having the energy to say anything else. The line went dead as she was greeted with the messages that she had been left. She wanted nothing more than to just throw it against the wall and damage it more than it already was. Hanna and Aria had both left multiple voicemails, she had texts from all her family members. Her mother had rung and she even had emails. She didn't want to think about the one name that was missing. Instead of replying to any of them, she switched her phone off and tucked it under her pillow, shaking the thoughts of grief out of her head and focusing on her journey ahead as she mustered the energy to reach into her wardrobe and pull out her suitcase.

"Pull it together" She muttered. It was that day that she made her first mistake. Sat in her fridge was a bottle of caramel vodka Paige had bought her a few weeks before as a thank you, it was like a light bulb went off in her head as her feet carried her towards the kitchen and her mind disconnected. She reached out and pulled it from the shelf before she even knew why she was doing it, and poured it back into her throat for a least 10 seconds. The pain on her skin was welcoming; it made her feel alive. Leaving the cap on the side, she walked back over to the bed and started to pack.

…..

She didn't remember how she got to sleep that night, all she knew was that she was woken up by Paige standing over her and a bucket full of what looked like her own vomit lying next to her. Thankfully, she was still wearing her pyjamas and they seemed to have avoided ruin.

"You're awake" Paige breathed, relief flooding her tone as she bent down and kissed Emily lightly on the forehead. The sensation was strange.

"What happened? Did we miss our flight?" Panic bubbled a little as she stared at the clock, but she didn't even know what day it was.

"No" Paige said flatly "but we need to go soon" And so she found herself being lifted out of bed, away from the warm cocoon of her duvet and her feet attacked by the stone flooring. She wanted to ask what had happened last night, and why she suddenly had a headache that felt like she had been shot the night before, but her question was answered as she noticed the three empty bottles lined up on the counter across the room. The feel of alcohol streaming into her stomach finally coming back to her. There was no guilt. No embarrassment. She just shrugged.

"I needed to wake up" She justifiedherself "I'm better now" Paige said nothing, but gave her a disbelieving shake of the head as she heaved the suitcases out of the apartment, ruffling in her rucksack to make sure she had everything they needed. Emily could feel the disapproval, but she didn't need it, it didn't help anything for Paige to be angry. It didn't help her feel any better. In silence, they walked out of their dormitory. Paige kept one hand tightly grasped around Emily's hand as she carried the suitcases down the stairs into the car; they were parking at the airport and hiring a car once they got to New York to drive back home. The whole way down she felt nothing. The numbness of her body was the only thing she was aware of, it was a mixture of grief and exhaustion and frustration and hangover- but there was nothing she could do to make any of those things go away. She lost herself on the drive to the airport; she wasn't even sleeping but she let her head rest on the car window. If she was home, she thought to herself more than once, the cold would've been refreshing for her headache. But the heat of the summer Californian sun wouldn't allow for such luxury. By the time they pulled up in airport car park part of her just wanted to go back to college and fall asleep. But she couldn't do that; she needed her mom. She went through the motions of security, of ticket checks and of boarding until she was strapped into a death machine that was going to take her back home.

"You need to eat" Paige muttered as she ordered the pair of them a cheese sandwich each "it might help your hangover" Emily wanted to scream at the disapproving tone of her voice.

"Cut it out, Paige" she muttered, earning herself a side glance from the air hostess. In response, she just put her headphones in and let her eyes drift shut.

…

"Em, listen" Emily could hear the caution in her voice, knowing that if Paige said the wrong thing or touched on the wrong subject she would explode without even meaning to. She sighed, leaning her head back against the car seat and letting her eyes drop shut. Somehow, Paige took this as permission to keep talking. "I know you're hurting" Emily could do nothing to control the disbelieving laugh that escaped from her lips. "Come on" She carried on, reaching her hand over and placing it (in what Emily could only assume was supposed to be a comforting gesture) on her thigh "we need to address the elephant in the room" Her eyes shot open again and she leaned forwards, not having the energy to frown but knowing that her silence was enough to portray her bewilderment. Moments passed as Paige stared her down in pity

"I just want to see my mom" Emily said after a while "please. Just drive"

"You can see your mom, sweetheart" Paige promised, as though it was some gift she was bestowing on the grieving family "you just- you can't see Alison" It was obvious in the look in her eyes that she knew she didn't have the right. And yet still she had said it.

"I _can't _see Alison?" Emily repeated, venom spiking her tone.

"Em-" She tried to interject

"Paige, my father was shot dead three days ago. You really think _Alison Dilaurentis_ is on my mind right now?" It was the first time she had said the words out loud, but the anger that was steadily rising within her left little time to register that. "I want to go home. I want to be with my mom and my friends. Whether that includes Ali or not is _my _decision, and I can't believe you'd try and stop that" Already she was pulling her phone out to call Hanna; the thought of sitting in the car with Paige for another three hours was making her nauseous.

"You have to understand where I'm coming from" Paige begged "you were in love with her" She pulled the keys out of the ignition and climbed out of the car so they both stood in the JFK airport car park.

"I'll see you at home" Emily mumbled, pulling her luggage out of the boot and walking slowly across the lot to wait for her ride. She could feel Paige following her, she could hear her call her name but she didn't stop to turn. Hanna was only 20 minutes away- she could wait that long. It was unusual for her to turn so angry, but she felt smothered by Paige. To bring up Alison in a time where all she needed was her girlfriends support made her sick to her stomach. She didn't know if it was just the grief talking or if she was right to be this upset; but what she did know was that she couldn't bear to be around her a moment longer. Paige managed to catch her before she could slip away into the crowds, her hand clamping down on Emily's wrist.

"Stop being so dramatic" She pleaded "let me take you home. You don't need Hanna, okay? You just need me" There were tears bubbling in her eyes as Emily yanked her wrist free.

"Let me go. Please" She didn't yell, her voice was even. Paige looked her in the eye and nodded, knowing she had to let Emily heal this however she needed to.

"I'll wait at the brew" She told her as she turned to walk away "call me when you get home" Emily nodded, leaving Paige alone on the sidewalk as she saw Hanna's car pull up in the lay-by. Paige didn't look back as she walked back to her own car, a fact Emily was grateful for as she heard Hanna's car door close, finding herself in her arms again after so long.

"It's okay, Em" Hanna promised. Her voice was soothing, calm. Emily didn't know why until she felt the salt stain her cheeks, and before she could register that she was crying she collapsed into Hanna's arms, letting her whole weight just fall into her best friend for the first time in almost a year. "I got you" Hanna whispered as she guided her to the car "I got you"

…..

The drive was long. They passed through the city and Emily couldn't even notice Manhattan, she couldn't notice the rippling blue waters, broken by the magnificent heights of the skyline. All she could focus on was her mom. Hanna tried her hardest to keep her engaged, trying everything from banal chit chat about Caleb to deep and meaningful questions in an attempt to get Emily to 'access her feelings'. It didn't work. Even as they began the drive through Rosewood and she was welcomed by all the familiar sights of her childhood, she didn't care. Eventually Hanna pulled up outside her house. Her stomach flipped as she realized the gold star was already hanging in the window.

"You ready?" Her friend said cautiously, turning the engine off and waiting for Emily to make any kind of movement. For a minute she did nothing.

"No" She decided "can we sit for a minute" Hanna just nodded, taking Emily's hand in her own as Emily sighed softly. "Are they here?" She asked, finally looking up from her lap and out onto the street around her. "Spencer, Aria=" She left the last name hanging in the air; it didn't need to be said.

"Spencer's in Philly" She said with a smile "she'll be here soon. Aria's flying in tomorrow" Emily just nodded. She didn't know why the need to see her friends was so strong- she was only supposed to want to be with family. But she did. She needed them badly.

"And-"

"She's at home" Hanna told her hesitantly "she never left" Emily knew this, of course, but to hear it said out loud made her heart beat a little faster. If she wanted to, she could go and find her right now. She could forget about anything that had ever to happened between them and just sit on that damn sofa and just be with the one person who hadn't left her mind all week. But she didn't want to see her. She wasn't that person in her life anymore; she had picked Charlotte, and that was okay. But Emily didn't want to know about that - she couldn't.

"I'm gonna go in" She broke the silence. Hanna nodded understandingly, jumping out of her car to get Emily's bag and walk her in. "I got it" She said, dragging the bag into her house as Hanna watched from the sidewalk, the pity on her face just a further reminder of what she was about to be greeted with.

….

The house smelt of something she couldn't pinpoint. It was musty, the windows were all sealed shut with the curtains blocking out any of the outside. Lying on the couch with a box of tissues and piles of magazines, her mom barely looked up when Emily entered the room.

"Ma?" She said, relief flooding through her voice at seeing her again after what felt like years. Pam looked up slightly, a spark returning to her eyes at finding her daughters soft features in her grasp once again.

"Emmy" She sighed, and before she could stop it Emily was being pulled onto the sofa and into her mothers arms after what felt like a life time. Her arms felt stiff, like they had hardly been used. Her hair was thrown into a careless bun on top of her hair and it was obvious she hadn't showered in a while. But Emily didn't care about any of that; she was home. They lay together like that for so long the sun was beginning to set by the time Pam began to climb off the sofa. Emily was reluctant, she had enjoyed the peace of being away from anyone and anything. "Do you want some food?" And though she had been asked that question a million times by Paige since hearing the news, she found herself suddenly starving.

"I'd love some" She said dryly, earning a weak but genuine smile from her mother as they clasped hands and walked together to the kitchen. The house seemed quieter than usual. Emily had expected to be greeted by her entire family, but it had turned out none of them were flying in until the funeral except her Aunt Chrissy, who was coming across the next day from Ohio to take care of her sister. As her mom cooked the kitchen filled with smells that on a usual day would make her tummy dance. Neither of them spoke much until she laid in front of them her famous enchiladas, two glasses of ice water and lit a candle. Emily waited, thinking she may make a speech or say something. Instead, she just cut up her food and pushed it around her plate, barely taking a bite.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She finally broke the silence, and as she did her mother's gaze fell, her fork clattering down onto the plate. She let her eyes tightly close, so she couldn't see the worry staring back at her. Trembling hands and clamped jaw, she shook her head. "No" She said quietly "but if you want to then-then we can" Emily frowned, confused because usually her mother was the first to want to get her to open up.

"No" Emily said, "I don't." Paige should be here soon anyway" Her mother nodded slightly, returning her attention to the untouched plate of food in front of her. Emily took one bite off her own and before she knew it the whole plate was finished; she hadn't realized how starving she was. Had it really only been three days since she had received that call?

"I am so uninterested in a life without your father" the silence that followed was deafening. "What happened to your phone, Emmy?" Pam asked quickly, noticing the cracks that dominated the screen, splinters of glass poking out in a dangerous way.

"Uh-" She didn't have to explain as her mom already realized what had happened as she had asked the question.

"We can get it fixed" She promised "take it to that little shop in the center?" Emily nodded her head vaguely; it had been the last thing on her mind. She stood up abruptly, clearing the plates away. Time came to a stand-still after that; minutes feeling like hours and hours feeling like days. They floated around the house, Pam occasionally offering to make tea that Emily refused every time until she eventually fell asleep, leaving Emily alone downstairs. She didn't think it was a good idea for her to be alone, it gave her too much time with her thoughts. Purpose was something she couldn't even remember having. That's when the need overtook her again, her judgment being taken over by the desire to feel inside something spark. It barely took her three seconds to decide she wanted it. Crying was the last thing to resort to, it didn't solve anything. It just gave her a headache and made her skin go blotchy and red. At least, that's what she told herself as she walked over to the liquor cupboard and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. It practically glowed from its hiding place, the gold liquid enticing her to try a sip. Just a sip. It wasn't a big deal. There was nothing telling her to stop, nothing screaming at her that this was a bad idea- because it wasn't. Watching the little golden waterfall flow into the glass sent shivers down her spine, it was so comforting, so warm. One breath was all it took as she shot it down her and felt her bloodstream set fire. It trickled through her body slowly, and then all at once as it mowed down the sadness and the anger and the fear that had been boiling within her all morning, until one shot turned into two and two into three and so the process kept going. When she was almost half a bottle down the door bell echoed throughout the house; if it wasn't for that she didn't know she would've stopped.

"Emily?" Paige's voice spread through the house, low and clearly angry as she made her way inside. Emily laughed at the creases in her forehead, the stern gaze of her eyes and the hard, sharpened corners of her mouth.

"Hi darling" She chuckled, moving to grab the bottle again and turning away from her girlfriend, not having the mental capacity to put on the facade that Paige so desperately needed to see from her.

"I've been waiting for you all day, why didn't you phone?" Emily could hear the frustration in her voice and yet somehow she didn't care. She didn't care that Paige had been worried and she didn't care that she had left her alone all day and she didn't care that she had refused to call like she promised she would. This wasn't about Paige. None of this was about anyone except herself. Instead of replying, she let a burp tear through the room, laughing mindlessly afterwards and swaying on the spot for a few moments before Paige came charging across the kitchen to grab her. "You're drunk" She muttered "again"

"Bing-pot!" Emily roared, still clutching at the bottle of whiskey, turning her knuckles white from force.

"Em" Paige's voice softened as she examined the scene, she could see the half-eaten plates of food piling in the sink, and it was only then that she realized Pam wasn't around them. "Where's your mom?" She asked, taking the bottle from Emily's hands with a firm tug and putting it in her own bag to dispose of later.

"Sleep" Emily mumbled "why are you here?" Emily may as well have slapped her.

"Why am I here?" She repeated incredulously "why am I _here_, Emily? I'm here because my girlfriend's father just died and she refuses to let me help her!" Emily could hear the shakes in her voice but she was numb to them; it wasn't her problem. She hadn't asked Paige to follow her across the country.

"Well maybe I don't want your help!" She yelled, leaning against the table to stop herself from toppling over.

"You might not want it, Em, but you sure as hell need it" Paige sighed solemnly "look at yourself" Her face was broken as she looked at Emily's chapped lips, her hair a knot on top of her head and bags the colour of a cold winter night hanging under her eyes. Emily didn't reply, instead swallowing the taste of whiskey as she sucked her lips dry.

"I think I'd like to go now, please" Her rouse to try and act a little more sober clearly didn't convince Paige, who did nothing but sigh as she barged her way passed her and out the door.


	2. scars

"She seemed okay" Hanna told Spencer as they walked arm in through the town square. It was late afternoon and the sun was still dangling proudly in the sky, pools of light following them as they walked by.

"Yeah well, I wouldn't be so sure" Spencer argued "this is Emily we're talking about. It took her weeks to open up about Maya, remember?"

"And this isn't Maya" Aria interrupted "this is her own father. That's gonna hit her harder than Maya ever did" The three of them had finally met up that morning after Hanna had dropped Emily home, just waiting for a call from Emily to say she wanted to see them. It was an odd way of reuniting; they hadn't been all together in so long.

"No, obviously I'm not saying she's dancing through poppy fields and singing Hallelujah. I'm just saying, from what I could tell, she seems to be holding it together" Yet despite her words, Hanna still felt sick at the pain she knew her friend was feeling.

"And Paige?" Spencer pushed "you know, the girlfriend she abandoned at the airport?"

"That was Paige's fault" Hanna stressed "she bought up you-know-who"

"What, now A's out the way we have to deal with Voldemort too?" Aria said bleakly "what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about Alison" She said quietly, looking over her shoulder to be sure she was no where in sight "She said something about not wanting Emily to see her while she's here" Spencer scoffed so loudly that the neighbouring elderly couple looked up from their ice creams with a stern stare.

"Alison and Emily haven't seen each other since your birthday" Spencer argued "what is there to be worried about? We all know how that ended" Hanna just shrugged.

"It's not my business. I just know that's what she said and Em got pissed" Spencer frowned, but otherwise dropped the subject. For a while they walked in silence. The town felt different now. Everywhere they looked and every corner they turned a new terror would flash in front of their eyes, memories of torture and manipulation and blackmail. Spencer shook her head viciously as if that would wipe them from her mind. They finally arrived at the Marin house, ready to take their heels off and just be with each other in a way that they hadn't been for so long. But they couldn't ignore the absences of their other two friends.

"Has _anyone _spoken to her recently?" Aria whispered, as if she knew what they were doing was wrong "I know Emily hasn't but-"

"No" Spencer interrupted "and I don't think we should feel bad about that" Her voice was stern, not even a tremble at the words that came out of her mouth. Hanna frowned, but whether it was out of disapproval or concern no one could tell.

"I didn't say that" Aria said defensively "I just think the situation has changed. It's not about Charlotte anymore it's about being there for Emily"

"Aria, no" Spencer shot "it's not just our problem, okay? Alison hasn't reached out either"

"That's because the last time we saw her the pair of you had a screaming match and she's been scared to speak to any of us ever since" Aria pointed out less than delicately, earning herself a harsh glare from Spencer.

"That sounds an awful lot like defending her, Aria" But before the brunette could respond, Hanna placed a hand on her lips and shushed them.

"Can you stop arguing like a married couple and focus, please" She demanded. Spencer opened her mouth to argue back, but snapped it shut again as Hanna stared her down unapologetically. "The funeral is in two days" She told them emphatically "I think Emily is lying to herself when she says she doesn't need her there" The room stiffened for a minute as they all knew was Hanna was referring to.

"Whatever went on between them is long over, Han" Spencer said quietly "Emily has Paige now" Hanna scoffed as Spencer took a gulp off coffee.

"Let's see how long that lasts" Hanna muttered under her breath. "we need to go and see Ali" she said confidently "and I'm going whether you guys want to come or not. We owe it to her. She saved our lives. A lot." It took a few seconds for Aria to follow on, and she apologetically stared a Spencer before she said anything.

"Me too" She spluttered "I think Emily needs as many as people as she can get. Besides, we have a lot to talk about with Alison- we may as well do it while we're all in town" Hanna could see Spencer's nostrils flaring ever so slightly as she heard the news. Her eyebrows arched in the left corner and she crossed her arms across her chest, sighing heavily.

"Fine" was all she replied "you guys are too good for this town"

…

"This was your brilliant idea, I think you can knock on the frickin' door, Hanna" Hanna and Spencer were squabbling as the familiar sounds of gravel under their feet broke the silence of the air. But the issue was clobbered as the door flung open and Jason stood behind it, shirtless with a trash bag in his hand. It took him a second to register the three girls stood on his drive, but when he did his face quickly turned sour.

"Jason" Spencer called as he began to turn away without even acknowledging them "wait. We didn't come to see you"

"Good" He yelled back, still not taking the time to walk down and greet them "then go" He looked Spencer in the eye before turning around to go back inside, yanking open the door with unnecessary force. All three of the girls shared a glance before Aria took a deep breath and took a step forward.

"Jason" she called, his hand still firmly gripped on the handle. It loosened when he heard her voice "please" It took a moment for his hand to drop finally and turn back, walking over to them so that they were all finally eye to eye. Spencer exchanged a look with him for a moment before attempting a smile. He didn't return it.

"She's inside" He said "is it important?"

"I don't know if you heard-" Aria began, taking control of the situation before Spencer could yell her way into the house.

"heard what?" He said, his voice even as paid attention to Aria and only Aria.

"Emily's dad was killed" Jason's face fell immediately as the words broke the tension that had settled across the group. He nodded quickly.

"Yeah, I wondered why she wasn't here" The shock drenched his voice, but he managed to stay composed; his mind quickly turning back to his sister.

"Her and Alison haven't spoken in a while" Spencer cut in "I don't know if you two have-"

"She's mentioned it" Jason confirmed "seemed to think it was all your fault, somehow" It came out like venom.

"So, Ali doesn't know? About Wayne?" Hanna interjected, standing in between Spencer and Jason before one of them snapped. Jason just shook his head.

"If she did, she didn't tell me"

"Could you tell her we want to see her?" Aria asked quietly as silence stretched on. Jason sighed defeatedly and motioned to the front door.

"She's in the kitchen" He told them, grabbing keys out of his pocket and walking over to his car "we were going to go and see Charlotte, but I'll go alone" And with that, he climbed into his car and sped away out of the drive, leaving the three of them all with quickly beating hearts and sweaty palms as they walked towards the front door.

…

The five of them surrounded the Dilaurentis living room, scattered around the sofa and arm chairs in an unsettled and disjointed manner. Spencer and Alison were yet to make eye contact as Hanna stared at Ali in awe- not realizing how much she had missed her.

"Shall I start, or-" Hanna said, earning herself 3 eager glances as the awkward silence was finally broken. "Ali, we don't know if you know this but- but Emily's dad was shot" At her words Ali's face trembled, her hand moving to her heart as she softly closed her eyes in shock.

"Is Emily okay?" Was all she said, her voice weak from worry. Hanna and Spencer exchanged a glance, and Spencer took the lead.

"Not really" she said honestly "that's why we're here" Ali sighed, suddenly crossing her arms across her chest and staring at Spencer with that look that the latter really had not missed. It was powerful, and frankly it scared her.

"You have nothing else you want to get off your chest, Spence?" She sneered, suddenly taking Spencer back to that dreaded day last year. It was Hanna's birthday party, and all of them had been able to make it into New York for the night, they had been out of Rosewood for less than two months.

"_I don't want to hear this, Alison!" Spencer screamed at the blonde who stood proudly with a drink in her hand, Hanna and Caleb preoccupied on the dance floor, Aria with Jason in the corner and Emily stood between the two feuding friends "i don't care that Charlotte is doing better. I don't care that you're beginning to feel like a family again. I don't care that you think she's sorry. None of us do" While the words she were saying were true, Emily couldn't help but place a restraining hand on her chest to keep Alison's face from falling even more. _

"_Spencer, not here" She muttered "not on Hanna's birthday, okay?" Spencer growled uncharacteristically, the alcohol swimming to her head and destroying all sense of rationality that may have remained. _

"_Stay out of it, Emily" she ordered, shoving her aside as she all but squared up to Alison. _

"_I know it's hard, Spencer. But I care about her. And if you cared about me, you would too" Alison's voice remained steady, she seemed cautious of the environment and Emily was thankful for that. _

"_Do I need to tell you I don't care one more time?" She spat. "I do not care about Charlotte Dilaurentis. I'd rather see her dead than walking around these streets after what she did to us. To me." She enunciated each word, loudly, almost battling with the music that blasted around the pair of them. Hanna looked up from Caleb, noticing the tension that clouded the area. _

"_I'll be two seconds" She muttered to Caleb, dashing away from him before he could question her. _

"_You'd rather she was dead?" Alison repeated in disbelief "take it back" She demanded, her stature gaining strength as she powered over Spencer. The brunette took two steps forward, closing the space between them as she crossed her arms over her chest. Aria had appeared now, noting the way Spencer's fingers were crushing into her arm; she was going to explode. _

"_Spence, what's going on?" Aria asked her gently, placing a hand on her arm and trying to soften her gaze, _

"_No" Spencer ignored her, and despite her drunken state, the authority that radiated out of her was deafening. People around them began to notice the commotion, but it didn't discourage either of them. _

"_If you're asking me to choose between you and her, that isn't going to happen, Spencer. She's a part of my life. Accept it" Emily's glance flipped between the pair of them, she grimaced at the sight of Ali's left eye twitching; it was a sure fire way to know that she was close to the edge. _

"_I'm not asking you to choose, Alison. I'm telling you that we're done unless you keep your little stories about your _big sister_ to yourself" The air quotes seemed to be the last nail in the coffin as Alison almost pounced on her, fury blazing in the back of her eyes in a way that she hadn't felt in a long while._

"_Spencer" Hanna warned her, watching as Ali trembled under Spencer's words. _

"_What, Hanna?" She snapped, recoiling under her stern glare._

"_Think before you do something you're going to regret in the morning" Hanna didn't let Spencer scare her away, grabbing her wrist so that she was stood in between her and Alison. Emily did the same, pulling Alison away before she could say anything more. _

"_She's drunk" Emily assured her "she doesn't mean any of this" Despite everything, Alison smiled slightly at Emily's attempt to cheer her up. _

"_Sure she does, Em" She told her. Emily gulped as Ali took her hand in her own, suddenly the butterflies that had been dormant waking up again at the touch. "You think it too" And before Emily could even attempt to deny it, Spencer shoved Hanna out the way, whose fall was only broken by Caleb's arms as he came to see what the problem was. _

"_You're being selfish" Spencer said calmly "and I want nothing more to do with you or your sister" she practically spat the word "or your god damn family" It was one of the hardest things Ali had ever had to do to pretend that she wasn't destroyed by Spencer's words. _

"Our _family, Spencer" She corrected with a smirk. Spencer didn't even reply as she stormed off out of the hall and back to her house; wanting nothing more than to be away from Alison and Rosewood, more than she ever had in her entire life. _

She came back to reality, met with silence that followed Alison's question that was left hanging in the air. It took less than a second for her to gulp, and realise what needed to be done.

"I'm sorry, Ali" She said sincerely, after almost a year since that night, a year since they had spoken, she didn't know if the words would have the desired affect "I really am"

"I know" Ali replied, looking down at the floor because she couldn't face looking Spencer in the eye "I'm sorry too. I was so caught up in having a family that I forgot about the only family that's been there for me my entire life" The four of them all smiled as Ali took Spencer's hand. "I wasn't thinking about the pain that hearing about her must have inflicted on you guys. After everything-"

"We've got stuff to talk about" Spencer interrupted "but talk, this time. Soon."

"Right" Ali nodded "not now. Now is for Emily" Each of them nodded their heads in agreement; everyone suddenly relaxing.

"We think she'll come to you when she's ready" Aria said, suddenly standing up and beginning to pace across the room.

"Yeah, if she hasn't reached out already then it will be soon" Hanna agreed, leaning forward and crossing her knees together, leaning her head on the palm of her hand.

"But she's with Paige" Spencer pointed out. Alison frowned as the whole room stilled again.

"I didn't know they were back together" She said breathlessly, not knowing why her eyes suddenly starting stinging, her throat contracting and her palms rubbing together anxiously. Hanna took note of her reaction, laughing slightly to herself but not saying anything. Spencer just nodded. "then it isn't my place. She has Paige"

"It's always gonna be your place, Ali" Hanna told her sincerely. She was met with four confused stares, Alison's face crumbling. "you're her best friend" she clarified reluctantly, wanting to diminish the awkward cloud that had settled over the group.

"You should call" Spencer told her. Ali shook her head, and Hanna sighed as she could feel the enthusiasm slipping away from her, the knowledge that Paige and Emily were back together clearly scaring her away from making any contact. While everyone sighed at Ali's, frankly unexpected, stubbornness and Hanna shot Spencer stares of disappointment for spilling the beans about Paige, Alison's phone exploded into rings. "Sorry" She muttered as she stood up for the sofa to answer "I'll be a minute" As she left the room, the three remaining were quiet for a few moments.

"Spencer" Hanna hissed angrily. Spencer rolled her eyes dramatically, standing up and grabbing her bag.

"Han, I did what you asked me to do. I don't have time to sit her and convince Alison to play happy families with the girl she used to make out with when she was feeling lonely. Get over it. If she doesn't want to help Emily that's her decision. Emily has plenty of help from us as it is"

"Spencer-" Hanna stood up, reaching out for her hand in an attempt to calm her down.

"No, Hanna" Spencer said sadly "I'm not playing this game" And with barely another word she walked out.

"Being back in Rosewood is harder than we thought it was gonna be" Aria muttered as Ali reappeared, frown on her face as she stared at the spot Spencer had just vacated.

"Right" Ali said understandingly "shall I make some tea?" Aria and Hanna exchanged a glance as they looked at Ali's eager face.

"Tea sounds great" Aria said enthusiastically "and-and I'm sure Spencer will be back again soon" Hanna and Aria settled in again as Alison went off to the kitchen, desperately trying to contact Spencer and get her back here.

"So" She said lightly, laying down three mugs and a plate of cookies that she had no intention of eating "it's been almost a year, you guys. I want to know everything"


	3. forgotten parts

Days had passed since they had arrived in Rosewood, and still Emily was struggling to keep herself afloat. She was sat alone by the river that ran around Rosewood. It had been such an important part of her life, this spot. Shabby benches were dotted along the sides and a canvas of trees towered above, creating beautiful specs of sunlight across the water that broke elegantly as wildlife glided past. Emily's head still hurt. Drinking, she was beginning to realise, was perhaps not the best idea she had ever had. But at this point she didn't care. Every Sunday she used to come to this place with her father. Her mum would pack them cucumber sandwiches and they'd cycle across town and they'd find this same spot every time and they would just sit for hours and watch the world go by. Sometimes they would fish, sometimes they would talk until the sun went down, sometimes they watched others in silence. It was always one of her favourite times of the week. It stopped when she was 12. When her dad first left them for the army.

She had promised herself she wasn't going to cry.

Across the river she could see a dad running around with his little girl. She couldn't be more than 4 years old, but she looked so beautiful. So innocent and free. Emily envied that; it had been years and years since she had been anything close to free. She was thankful for her sunglasses as they hid away her blatant staring and the slow tears that came with it. Why had she come here alone? The girls had offered to drive her, but she had leave alone. She had to brave it by herself. Everywhere she looked a new memory greeted her. They were like scars on her brain; ingrained forever and impossible to get rid of. Eyelids closed and brain steady, she let herself sink into the past.

_She's 3 years old and resting on her daddy's shoulders. There's a swan in the lake today. Her dad lowers her to the floor as she reaches in, his hands firmly on her waist, to say hello. _

_She's 5 and her mom and her had a big fight. She packed a bag and walked all the way to the river, promising she was never going to come home. When an hour past and she couldn't find her way home, she had never been happier to learn that her dad was only a few steps behind her the entire time. _

_She's 7 and the boys at school are being mean to her. She vows to her dad she never wants to see one again so he takes her to their special place for an extra long time that Sunday. He helped her realise she could choose to never let them bother her again. _

_She's 10 and she just wants to swim. They get into their bathing suits and they head off to the river. She wins, obviously; her dad wasn't even lying when he said he didn't let her. _

Alcohol and reminiscing was a horrendous combination. Before she knew it she had her head thrown in her hands and tears staining her face, she was sure people would be staring at her but she didn't care. Let them have their show. Let them watch and laugh at the girl who had no one to turn to but her memories.

"Emily" She looked up, thinking she must have been imagining the voice. She didn't realise how much she had needed to hear it. Pam took a seat beside her, wrapping her arm around her stiffened shoulders. They melted almost immediately at her touch. Neither of them said anything for a minute, Emily didn't have the energy to rehash her feelings out loud and nor was she sober enough to communicate them effectively. "Paige told me you were drinking" the way her mother said it made Emily fall to the floor, her voice not angry but timid and afraid.

"I can't talk about this right now, mom" She muttered "please" Pam nodded her head, knowing that to push Emily on the matter would've been to push her away when she needed her the most.

…

They drove home in almost complete silence spare for the white noise of the radio. It was stilted. Emily knew her mom wanted to address what Paige had told her, and Emily supposed when they were in a car there was little ways for her to avoid the questions.

"We need to talk, Emily" Pam said, her voice quiet but demanding.

"There's nothing to talk about" She lied "it's only happened like 6 times"

"your dad only died two weeks ago, sweetie. I think there's definitely something to talk about" Emily wanted to hit back with something witty, but a small voice inside her head told her that truthfully her mom was right. "when you're drinking alone there's always a reason why"

"please" she landed on "can we just go home?" Usually Pam would've argued back, refused to allow Emily to ignore the difficult conversation. But the cracks that went deep back into her eyes and the sagging bags of skin underneath them told Emily that she had already won the fight. Weakly nodding her head once, attention returned to the road that stretched out in front of her and silence resumed. The drive seemed quicker than Emily remembered. Possibly because Wayne used to take the scenic route, but before she knew it they pulled up outside their house and her mom cut off the engine. Neither of them made any movements.

"your aunt Chrissy will be here soon" Pam told her daughter.

"okay" Emily said monotonously "I think I'm going to see the girls" Pam closed her eyes in frustration.

"Paige is here for you too, Emily. Use her" Emily said nothing in response as she jumped out the car, unintentionally slamming the door behind her and walking over to Spencer's house. She was still angry at Paige, whether that was reasonable or not she was still unsure. Through the fence she could see the three of them sat on the bench on the porch, wine in hand and laughing about times forgotten. Their words of encouragement echoed in her ear, promises of support and unconditional love and patience. She almost went in. But she couldn't ruin it. Smiles of joy were so evident on the three faces, faces she had ached to see for the last year, all she would cause is misery. It wasn't their problem to clean her up anymore. This wasn't high school. Instead, she kept walking down her street, no clear direction. As she ventured further down the street, she thought she had gotten away with it. But Hanna's voice followed her, pleading her to come back to them.

"Em you still think you can hide from us after all this time? Come on" Hanna begged, noticing the slight haziness of Emily's eyes, and the way that she wasn't quite standing still, but gently swaying side to side. To anyone else it would've been unnoticeable, but Emily was still hammered. Not waiting for an answer, she grabbed Emily by the wrist and walked her firmly back to Spencer's barn. She was greeted with howls of excitement, all three of the girls in the sweats, tubs of ice cream and cocktails in hand.

"She doesn't need anymore alcohol" Hanna said, trying to convey to Spencer the more concerning meaning behind her words without angering Emily.

"That's fine" Aria said, her voice a little pitchy from her own intoxication "more for us"

"Or" Hanna said, taking the margarita glass out of her hand and tipping it down the sink "anyone up for a game of twister?" For a split second it seemed both Aria and Spencer were about to rip Hanna's throat out, but at the shine that greeted Emily's face both of them softened, grateful to see a smile for the first time since they had reunited.

"Sure, but I hope you guys are ready to lose" Spencer said with a not-so teasing smile. Hanna backed off a little, grunting loudly as she moved the sofa's around to make room.

"That's right- Spencer's _very_ bendy" Aria snuck up behind her best friend, wrapping her arms around her waist. Emily couldn't help but smile as Hanna took her hand, gently rubbing her thumb in circles to be sure she was okay.

"I really missed you guys" she said "and i'm really glad you're here"

….

Time passed too quickly and in a blur she was walking back home which, granted, wasn't exactly far, but the gloomy darkness of the street and the frosty chill that followed her didn't help settle her nerves.

"Emily?" It was Paige, and she couldn't help but sigh in relief at finding her here. Paige seemed to unclench as Emily came running to her, throwing herself into her arms as she let herself go. "I was worried" She said almost instantly "why didn't you call?" Funny that whenever Paige opened her mouth the relief seemed to switch itself to frustration.

"I needed some time" Emily said, pulling herself free and walking further down the road, Paige taken her hand as she did so. "I was with the girls"

"I gathered that" She muttered "you still need to tell me where you are"

"I just needed to clear my head, I'm sorry" Emily conceded, hoping it would be enough to get Paige off of her back. Seemingly, it was. Paige smiled, reaching down to peck her softly on the forehead as they strolled through the streets of Rosewood together.

"How are you feeling now?" She asked cautiously.

"Okay" Emily said honestly "my head's a little dizzy but-" She let her sentence trail off, hoping Paige would push her for more detail but knowing she wouldn't. She was preoccupied by something else. "What is it?" Emily asked "what are you thinking about?" Paige barely took a breath before she started talking.

"I saw Alison" She said bluntly "she looked so worried" Jaw clenched and throat dry, Emily was only just about able to swallow that news. She hated that she cared.

"Why are you telling me that?" Emily asked, the last time Alison had been bought up it had ended in Emily storming off and leaving Paige stranded at JFK.

"I wondered if you had anything to do with it" As soon as the words fell out of mouth it was obvious she regretted them. Her eyes flashed as saw her girlfriends face fall from concern to frustration.

"You made your feelings about Alison perfectly clear, Paige. I haven't seen her.I don't want to see her"

"Good" Paige said, squeezing her girlfriends hand tightly as they walked over to Emily's home. Less than three seconds passed before Emily decided the risk was worth it.

"Where did you see her?" She asked tentatively. Paige raised an eyebrow but resisted making a snippy comment.

"In the square. She was alone" Emily just nodded, not daring to ask anything more in case it led to another argument; she was too drained to participate in Paige's theatrics tonight

"Oh" was all the managed to articulate "I mean it Paige, I really don't want to see her" Paige just smiled softly,

"come on" She said abruptly, taking Emily's hand harshly and practically dragging her back towards her house to avoid further conversation "let's get you into bed" And, despite it being no later 10:00, Emily let herself be guided up the stairs, the feeling of guilt that she recognised far too well as that that appears with dishonesty, all too present in her stomach.

…..

Yet ,try as she might, she was never greeted with the serenity of sleep. Something kept her awake, whether it was the occasional cat fights, the haul of ageing, drunken men falling out of the bars in the early hours of the morning, or- at around one in the morning- the sound of dry heaving coming from the bathroom opposite. Emily had to shake herself harshly to force her feet out of bed, it had been a horrendous night as it was. Clearly she wasn't the only one who was struggling to find peace. Uncharacteristically, the floorboards creaked under her steps across the hallway where the blinding light from the bathroom shone. She told her feet to get her there faster, move quicker. They refused. Frozen. Almost like they knew exactly what they were going to find. When she eventually did make it across the hallways, she found her mother clinging to herself, wearing nothing but her father's army jacket and scrappy, torn underwear. Emily reached out to hold her, but her hand was slapped away with a fearless ferocity.

"Mom" Emily whispered, her own tears now beginning to betray as her mother's eyes, broken with red, looked up at her. "mom it's okay. It's me" Emily knew what it was like to have a panic attack. She knew too well. The signs varied in everyone but it was the same frantic, uneven breathes that told her nothing was right. Tucking her head into her chest, Pam rocked herself back and fourth, an animalistic cry ripping out of her throat. This was the first time Emily had ever seen her like this. She prayed to God it would be the last. Every instinct told her to sit with her, to hold her. If it was anyone else she would. But suddenly she was 5 years old again, she was a child who needed her mother. And so she stood. Words escaped her, sweat dripped off the weak form in front of her as she started to tremble. That was what it took for Emily to fall to her knees, wiping her own tears aside and placing a firm hand on her mothers shoulder.

"Breathe" she repeated "I'm here" She repeated it over and over again, trying to heave her mothers form into an upright position. Nothing worked. And suddenly she was torn back to her own attacks, the ones that seemed to never end. The ones that her up through the night, every night, flashes of the dollhouse. Of fire. Of cold and wet and hunger. Of A. Charlotte. Still, she wasn't good at thinking of them as the same person. The days were she blocked out everyone and everything. Even Ali. She turned her anger into a relationship, letting it fire away with the bullet of a gun. Suddenly she was the one that couldn't breathe. Guns. There was nothing in the world she hated more than guns.

"Emily" It wasn't her mother who spoke. She forgot in all the drama of the day that her Aunt Chrissy was in town for the funeral- she would've only got in a few hours ago. Her eyes flashed to the figure of her sister lying, detached from everything, on the floor. She bent down, one hand on Emily who sat, pale and sweaty, in the middle of the bathroom. With a nod of her head, Emily assured her she was okay. Reassured, Chrissy turned her attention to Pam. And Emily did something she never thought would've crossed her mind.

She left.


	4. in the arms of an angel

She wasn't sure how she had got here. Her heart was beating so heavily Emily wouldn't be surprised if she passed out before she even made it to her house. She still felt sick; the image of her mom bent over the toilet seat with sweat pouring down her face and her eyes littered with deep red cracks refusing to leave her mind. It swam around with each step she managed to successfully take without her heels giving out. She knew Alison would be sleeping, but she didn't care. All she wanted was to feel her touch again, to have her fingers locked in her hair and her arms wrapped around her and to just be _held. _Guilt wracked her body; surely she should only want the arms of her girlfriend? But it hadn't been that way for so long now. Paige hadn't been able to calm her down properly in years. Whatever she needed right now as the night darkened around her, moonlight the only source of guidance, it wasn't her. When she finally made it to the familiar door her hand paused for a moment as doubt flooded her mind all over again. This wasn't fair. She had managed to stay away for over two weeks. She had managed to look after herself without needing anyone. She had managed to keep her mind away from Alison Dilaurentis and she was about to ruin it all. And yet the door flung open before she had the chance to go back home and all of a sudden every reason she had decided to stay away vanished and in it's place a yearning to touch her was left. Her mouth popped open in a little 'o' shape at the sight of Emily, so weak and vulnerable, standing timidly on her doorstep.

"Emily" She said, the worry in her voice quickly overshadowing the shock. Emily felt herself relax at hearing her soft voice and the lavender smell of her perfume greeting her. Words wouldn't come out. For a second the two of them just stood there staring at each other, neither one making any movement.

"I need you" Emily spluttered, tears rising from her throat and stinging the corners of her eyes as she collapsed into Alison's waiting arms, feeling at home for the first time since being back Rosewood.

"I'm here" Ali whispered, tucking Emily into her chest and resting her head on hers as she ran a hand through her hair, letting her cry and cry and cry until the tears ran out. "I'm here" Emily couldn't even move as they stayed stood on the porch, her tears dry but her expression blank and her hand still tightly grasped onto Ali's night shirt. Alison was freezing, but she didn't care. There had been too many times in her life when she hadn't been able to be there for Emily. There were times when she had chosen not to be there, like watching from a far as she saw Maya's body being carried out of her own house. Her heart broke that night, so much so that she almost came out of hiding just so that she could be the one to hold Emily. If it wasn't for the police she would've done. And then there were the times that Emily had chosen it, like the weeks after the dollhouse. Emily pushed and pushed and pushed her away until it got the point where they were hardly speaking. She knew it was because Emily couldn't handle talking about what had happened to her, and Ali respected that, but it still hurt to think about the amount of pain she was going through. Suffice to say there had been moments in her life when she had seen Emily hurting, and now that she could be the one there for Emily she wasn't going to take it lightly. Not after everything that that girl had been through.

….

"What are you thinking?" It was almost 3am and the two of them were sat almost touching on the Dilaurentis' sofa, legs crossed and hands full of hot chocolate. A blanket was strewn over the pair of them, and Emily had barely taken her eyes off the fire that roared beautifully in the corner of the room. It was comforting to feel the heat, it lit up something within her, something that told her she wasn't going to be cold for the rest of her life.

"I keep thinking about mom" Emily said unexpectedly; it usually took Alison hours to probe a real answer out of her "how can I go back to Cali after this? Knowing she's-she's all alone now" Ali tilted her head as Emily still couldn't meet her gaze.

"No one expects you to go back to school straight away, sweetie" She reassured her "you and your mom need to take the time to heal. When you're both ready, you can talk about it. But don't even think about that yet" A strand of hair fell across Emily's face as she laughed. It was sound Alison hadn't heard for months; she hadn't realised how much she had missed it. "What's funny?" She asked curiously, resisting every temptation to tuck the stray back behind her ear.

"You" Emily breathed "you just-you always know what to say" Ali just smiled slightly, trying not to let herself fill with pride.

"I'm just happy I can help" She shrugged it off, her fingers tingling as she suppressed the need to touch her, to feel her skin on hers again after all this time. There was silence for a moment, before Emily looked up dramatically and looked into her eyes, sinking into the iridescent blue. Tension bubbled between as Alison broke the contact, looking down at the floor to try and calm down her heart. She cleared her throat as Emily shook her head slightly, her eyes closing shut. "Is Paige around?" She asked, trying to return her head to reality.

"Yeah, she's staying with us until tomorrow. She's flying back" Ali didn't know why anger suddenly boiled within her, but she tried to contain it as she heard the hesitation in Emily's voice.

"Why?" Again, it was a challenge to keep the contempt out of her voice. This was about Emily. In response, she got a shrug and a deep sigh.

"Practise, I guess. School said she could have a couple of weeks if she needed to but-" She trailed off, her eyes ghosting over as she realised the meaning behind her words. Ali quickly regretted bringing up Paige, and so didn't reply, knowing that Emily wouldn't want her to anyway.

"How are you feeling?" She tried changing the subject "about tomorrow" The funeral had been planned quickly, efficiently. All military funerals were- there was rarely any delays when it came to the people who had served. Emily visibly gulped, her knuckles growing paler as the thought attacked her brain.

"Like I'm going to throw up" She said honestly.

"Understandable" Ali consoled "you'll be able to say goodbye properly" She softened her tone, letting herself take Emily's hand in her own and feeling more whole when she was met with a warm smile.

"I don't know how I'm gonna do that" She admitted "Mom wants me to say something but every time I sit at my desk to write it out every word in the English language falls from my head"

"There aren't any words for it" Ali said, her mind taking her back to the morning of her mother's funeral, her dad pleading with her to write something, _anything_, but becoming incapable of finding ones that did her feelings justice. Emily nodded.

"I feel like I'll be letting him down" She said quietly "I should be able to find the words"

"No, Em" Ali promised her "you aren't letting anyone down. Not him, not your mom, not anyone. Tomorrow if you get up there and you can't find any other words than 'I love you' that's okay. No one expects you to have a page written. They'll just be proud that you made it"

"You'll be there?" Em asked, her cheeks fading red a little as she looked Ali in the eye again, their hands still clasped in the others as they had progressively moved closer across the couch.

"Of course" Ali said "of course I'll be there" And that was it. Once Emily had decided she didn't want to talk anymore Alison listened. So together they sat, hand in hand, fire blazing as they both just let their minds wander. Emily's eyes settled on the book case in the corner of the room, what must have been hundreds of titles glowing at her, begging her to read them, just to escape for a little bit.

"You still have it?" She mused after about 15 minutes of silence, her head now resting on Alison's shoulder as she read the title 'Great Expectations'. Ali followed her gaze and chuckled as she saw what she was looking at, her heart swelling as she remembered fondly that day in the library over 10 years ago.

"same copy I read to you" She told her "I stole it from Mr. Gibraldi's class when he took my phone away one day. He was furious because there was an odd number on his shelf after that"

"You're ridiculous" Emily laughed. It felt unnatural. She didn't know why but she found herself standing up for the first time in hours, walking across the room to carefully take the book out of it's place, holding it in her hand like it was some magical artefact that had been missing for years. Taking it back to where they sat, she handed it to the blonde who took it from her hands, confused but willing, as she sat back down and rested her head on her shoulder once again.

"Life was so much easier then" Emily mused, running her hand down the crumpled spine "read to me" she whispered, handing the book back to her as she accepted "please" Ali didn't need to be told twice; she already knew the page she wanted. Clearing her throat, she let Emily close her eyes as the smell of old books suddenly delighted the room, both of them feeling at home. "_The unqualified truth is_" She began, her head spinning from the memory "_that when I loved Estella, with the love of a man, I loved her simply because i found her irresistible_" Emily was already falling asleep under the soft tones of her voice, she could feel her head finally switching off, feel her body break down under the calming influence. Ali read on, wanting her to be completely still, completely quiet, before she stopped, "_Once for all; I knew to my sorrow, often and often, if not always_" Her head slipped down into Ali's lap, and a soft sigh emitted from her chest as she lay still. "_that i loved her against reason_" Ali whispered, her eyes stinging and a lump appearing in her throat "_against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be_" She closed the book and set it aside, Emily stirring again as she moved to take her upstairs to bed. Somehow she managed to take her clothes off, laying her down in bed again. As soon as her head hit the pillow she was out.

"Stay with me" She murmured under her breath "please" It took a two second debate in her head for Ali to know the right answer.

"Does Paige know you're here?" Ali asked, not wanting to know the answer. It had been something she had wanted to know ever since Emily had arrived that night. Emily just groaned, throwing herself onto the other side of the bed.

"I don't care" Emily said "She doesn't know me like you do" That was all it took for Alison to forget her morality. She climbed into bed with Emily, who moaned softly as her hands wrapped around her waist, both of their bodies fitting together like two pieces of a puzzle. And they slept. Emily slept properly for the first time since finding out about her dad, and no guilt about Paige could take that away from her.

…..

Ali woke up in bed alone the next morning, thankful to find that she was still wearing her pyjamas. Confused, she staggered out of bed. But Emily walked in wrapped in a robe before she had the chance to leave the room. Ali didn't know why she was so focused on the drops of water that were trailing down her body, and was frustrated when she could feel her cheeks turning pink.

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you up" Emily said, sounding like a new person than the weak form that had arrived on Ali's porch in the early hours of that morning.

"No I-I was awake anyway" Emily smiled a little awkwardly. Suddenly, it dawned on them both that excluding last night it had been almost a year since they had caught up. "do you want some breakfast?" Ali asked, breaking the lengthening silence "I can make pancakes" Emily laughed as she walked across the room to change.

"I can't say no to your pancakes" Ali took that as yes as she disappeared out the door, nodding as Emily told her she'd be down soon. Emily could feel her heart dull as she was left alone again. She hated how weird it felt this morning. On the one hand, she felt like no time had passed since her and Ali had seen each other. On the other, it felt like decades. But the most overarching emotion she felt was guilt. Guilt that she could even care about anything except her father. And the funeral. The funeral that was happening in less than 24 hours. At that thought, any complicated feelings about Alison were cleared from her mind. Nothing else mattered, not now. Slowly, her mind numbing from the pain of what she was facing tomorrow, she dressed herself and meandered downstairs, met with the comforting sound of Ali's singing as she piled pancakes on a plate; some cheesy pop song that she had always loved so much. It felt like home.

…

The next morning, it was almost impossible to drag herself out of bed. Her dress was ironed, dangling from her door. Speech written, crumpled on top of her dresser; her pathetic attempt to express just how much her dad had meant to her. From downstairs, she could hear her mother's tears. There was no way they were going to stop today. A gentle knock on her door alerted her to the time.

"Spence?" Emily said, disorientated and fearful of what she was about to face when she walked out of her door. "what time is it?"

"It's okay" Spencer said as she sat at the end of the bed, Emily sitting up, her hair a mess and the room spinning slightly from the idea of the day that waited for her. "It's early, but your mom has made us all breakfast. I thought you'd like to come down and eat" She wanted to refuse, but in reality, the idea of one of her mom's cooked breakfasts to settle her stomach sounded incredible.

"We?" She asked incredulously.

"Me, Hanna, Aria, Paige and-" she hesitated "and Alison" Emily was shocked for a second, Ali had told her all about what had happened between her and Spencer. They were yet to see each other since.

"Ali?" Spencer nodded "and-and Paige" Emily stuttered "in the same room?" Brow furrowing, Spencer slid off the bed, reaching for the curtain to let some much-needed sunlight into the room.

"Em, it's okay. No one is focusing on anything except you today" And then, what they were about to do hit her so harshly in the chest she thought she was going to choke. Spencer must have noticed the glazed expression that suddenly settle across her friend's face, taking a seat next to her on the bed and taking her hand in hers. There was a gently knock on the door as she did so, and Hanna and Aria appeared- followed timidly by Ali. Emily hated that her eyes were drawn immediately to the latter. No one spoke much as they helped their best friend out of bed, easing the pain and taking it one step at a time.

"We're so proud of you, Em" Ali said sincerely, taking Emily's hand and stroking it gently.

"Yeah, and you know we're gonna be there every step of the way today" Hanna added "you aren't doing this alone" Emily nodded appreciatively, trying with all her strength to stop the tears from flowing.

"Are you ready?" Spencer asked, noting that Ali's hand was still holding Emily's. "Paige is probably waiting for us" Em cleared her throat, taking a sip of the bottle of water that someone had left for her on her bedside table.

"Yeah" she finally croaked "let's go"


	5. goodbye seems to be the hardest word

After almost an hour of being talked down by her closest friends, Emily finally took a step out of the car. Why had she worn heels? She knew it made her mother happy, but she had forgotten how horrible it was when they pinched at her toes. Paige stood at her side, making awkward small talk to Emily's forgotten relatives. Ali stood across the lot, genuine care on her face as she listened to Emily grandmother tell stories of her son. A slight smile almost tugged as the corners of her mouth. By the door stood Spencer, Aria and Hanna.

"Do you think she seems okay?" Aria whispered to the pair of them, fearful that Emily was soon to collapse from the sheer emotion the day was going to present her with.

"It's hard to tell" Spencer replied. "leave her with her family for now. She'll come to us if she needs us" The three of them agreed that this was the most sensible option, having helped her get herself ready this morning they assumed she may want some space.

"Ali's walking over" Hanna warned "look nice"

"and kind" Aria chirped in

"but not too kind" Hanna fired back. Spencer waved them off with a scoff.

"Alison, hey" Ali's expression was somber to say the least as she joined the trio. It felt a little disjointed, but they were glad she was here. Giving up on her stubbornness, she embraced all three.

"If this teaches us anything" she said, voice husky with emotion "it's that life is too short to stay mad at the people you love" Spencer took a shaky breath.

"Yeah" she said finally "you're right"

"and I need you to know that I do love you" It took a second, and the two others exchanged nervous glances as they waited to see her response.

"I love you too" Yet before the conversation could go any further, Emily appeared next to them, Paige behind her.

"It's time" She said. Spencer's heart broke at the paleness of her skin, she seemed to have aged decades in the last few weeks.

"Okay" Hanna said "do you want us to sit with you?"

"Yeah" It wasn't even a question. Ali gently placed her hand on the small of her back as they met Pam at the doors to the crematorium. It didn't go unnoticed by anybody as they took their seats together, her mother on one side of her and the girls on the other. Grief was already taking over her body. No tears fell, but she felt immobile; paralyzed with pain. It was impossible to even concentrate on the words of the minister, of her father's captain, of his brother. She was sure they read beautifully, eloquently. But her mind wouldn't let it register. The only thing keeping her on earth was the pressure she felt on her hip; the pressure of Alison's touch. And as the coffin where he father lay was finally uncovered, a deep mahogany color, cloaked by an American flag, she didn't think she was going to make it through. At her side, she held her mother's hand even tighter as silent tears fell down her cheeks. Cold metal was imbedded in the palm of her hand, the metal of her wedding ring that hadn't left her finger in over 25 years.

"Em" Ali whispered gently, pulling her back down to earth as she had slowly started floating. "it's you" She hadn't even realized that the whole room was waiting in pity for her to take her stand in front of them, and read out the words she had prayed she would never have to share. As she walked alone, her whole body shaking, it felt like she was about to yank out a piece of her heart and serve it on a silver platter; she had never felt so vulnerable.

"We should've gone up with her" Aria insisted as the three of them watched in despair, Emily's hands shaking as she tried to find her speech hidden away in her bag

"I should've" Paige corrected them slyly. Spencer had to remind herself that a funeral was neither the time nor place to have it out with Paige. Time went on and still Emily remained quiet.

"give her a minute" Pam asked them as they all deliberated about whether or not they should go and help "she'll be okay" And who were they to question her mother? Alison and Pam shared a glance that didn't go unnoticed by the rest of them as Emily slowly pulled her shoulders back and straightened the battered piece of paper in front of her, taking one last deep breath before she let herself open up; Ali could practically feel the effort it took for her to do so.

"I miss him every single day" She began, the room plunging into deafening silence, her voice radiated around every corner. Ali froze for a second, she could see the tears already threatening to spill over.

"Ali, breathe" Spencer whispered "she's got this"

"I miss his laugh" Emily continued, her voice husky and breathless "and his voice" At this point, Ali knew that the words written on the paper were not the words that were going to be said. She was losing it, slowly unravelling on the stand and no one was doing anything about it. "dad always told me to be myself" she spoke so quietly Ali was unsure how anyone else was hearing her "but honestly, I don't know who I am without him" Pam was silently crying next to them, her eyes fixed on nothing particular as she grieved. When Emily looked out to see her mother losing control, she broke. She collapsed into tears, gripping onto the edge to try and keep it together.

"To hell with this" Ali muttered, barging past Paige and Pam and the girls as as she went up to hold her best friend.

"Alison-" Paige said sternly, almost hoping it would bring her back to her seat so she could go instead.

"It's okay" Ali muttered as Emily fell into her arms, truly not caring about anything other than her at that moment. "you need to stop crying, Emmy" She whispered, still holding her tightly as she sobbed into her neck "you need to go and read your speech."

"I can't" she pleaded "please do it for me"

"No" She said defiantly "I'm gonna hold your hand, and I'm gonna stand with you while you read it" Emily said nothing, but pulled away slightly "trust me, you'll regret not speaking at your father's funeral." And in that second, Emily snapped out of it. She wiped her tears, looked on at her best friends with pitying smiles on their face looking up at her, and began to read; the feeling of Ali's skin on her own enough to keep her calm.

…..

And so, before anybody could register that the ceremony was over, the four of them were standing around a buffet table in Emily's home- a large family photo, Wayne in the center, shining above them.

"I forgot how depressing wakes are" Hanna muttered as she sipped on a glass of white wine.

"It wouldn't be Rosewood without a funeral" Aria replied, her arms crossed as she looked around; they were all still waiting for Emily and Pam to reappear. The air between them all was still slightly stilted, but Alison was grateful that they were all trying.

"I can't believe Paige is leaving her alone tonight" Ali practically growled as she watched her from a distance, conversing with Emily's family. Something that felt similar to jealously shot up inside her, but she drowned it with a gulp of her drink.

"If my mom died I don't think Caleb would leave my side" Hanna said, frowning as they all shook their heads in pity "I know he wouldn't" she corrected herself.

"Quiet" Spencer snapped, and suddenly they all noticed that Paige was coming over, walking with purpose. "Hi, Paige" She nodded curtly, plastering what they supposed was her attempt at a sad smile on her face.

"I have to leave" Paige said, directed at no one in particular "I'm sure you know that" They said nothing, just nodded in confirmation. "Good. I just want to say, look after her" This time it was very obvious that she was talking to just the three of them, her eyes refusing to meet Ali's as she frantically commanded them to keep all eyes on her. "don't let her do anything stupid"

"Don't worry, Paige" Hanna said "we've been doing that for over ten years now" Only the four of them could detect the distain in her voice "she's in good hands" It was clear Paige was unsure of weather she was genuine or not, but with less than a wave goodbye she ran out without looking back, her taxi pulling away, leaving her girlfriend behind.

"Jesus Christ" Spencer whispered, shock the prominent expression on all four of their faces. Before any of them could respond, however, Pam appeared in the kitchen once again, Emily not by her side as they all had assumed.

"Where is she?" Alison said, leaving her drink on the side and walking away, not bothering to check whether or not the girls had followed her. It turned out they had, and when they reached the door of Emily's bedroom they were scared of what they were going to find.

"her mom wouldn't have left her alone" Aria pointed out "she couldn't have"

"her mom probably thought she was with her girlfriend" Hanna pointed out with a scoff "open the god damn door, Ali" It creaked in perfect fashion as she nudged it open. Vodka overwhelmed her nose, and her eyes followed to the heap of blankets on the bed, practically knocking the breath out of her when she saw how still the body was underneath them, only the very slight rise of chest letting her know that it was still alive.

"call her mom" Ali demanded "now!" and with that, Aria ran off to find Pam. "Emmy" Ali was suddenly crouched down by her bed. "Emmy it's me. It's Alison" She murmured, her hands spreading a little. Ali locked her fingers into Emily's, stroking her forehead gently with her free hand.

"I got a bucket" Hanna said "in case she needs to hurl" She left it beside her, and climbed onto the bed to watch over her. No one spoke for the longest of times, even the stench of the alcohol radiating off her wasn't enough for any of them to leave. Eventually, Pam appeared with a glass of water and a plate of crackers.

And just like that, she wasn't a grieving widow- but a terrified mother.


	6. here comes the sun

Emily didn't wake up alone the next morning. Alison's smell hit her nose before anything else even registered, and for a split second she was okay. To her side, Hanna and Spencer lay curled in a pile of blankets on the floor, their arms tangled in each other. Aria had taken the end of the bed. It was nice, to see them all in her room. It took her back to the days where they would rarely go a week without a sleepover, all it was missing was the movies and a scandalous game of truth or dare. That was all knocked from her thoughts the second she tried to sit up.

"Fuck" she muttered under her breathe, her hand instantly rising to her forehead, where it felt like hammer was thundering down inside it. Squeezing her eyes shut once again, the shame and embarrassment of her behavior the night before engulfed her.

Whether it was the unusual curse that had slipped out her mouth, or the sun slowly creeping in through the window, Alison shook awake, searching around to find Emily still in her embrace.

"It's early" She whispered, not wanting to wake the others. "are you okay?" Emily took a minute to answer. She was right, she noted as she looked at the clock, it was early.

"I've had better mornings" She said, her voice weak and cracking from desperation for water. "I'm sorry about last night" she said, taking solace in Alison's chest.

"Don't apologize" She said, her voice low and calming. "we aren't angry. Nobody is. We're just worried" Emily wasn't sure if she believed her. But she also wasn't sure she cared either way. This was just a phase; it was a temporary plaster to help the healing process. And that was okay. Staying silent, Emily refused to let this conversation become a lecture. "I'm gonna get you some water" Alison told her, and suddenly the dehydration was all she could think about. She wore nothing but an oversized sharks t-shirt. It wreaked havoc with her heart; seeing her wear it made her feel so good. Good in a way she hadn't felt in so long. But she had to shove those thoughts aside. She had to focus on her girlfriend; her and Alison were her past, but it was becoming impossible to remember that.

…

Days passed, and before she knew it was time to say goodbye. Admittedly, it was a much easier goodbye; knowing she was able to pick up the phone whenever she wanted. But still, it was always painful having to part with her best friends.

"Be safe, okay? And- and always pick up the phone when I call. I'm going to call a _lot._" Emily stood outside her family home with her mother's firm grip on her waist, Hanna stood in front of her imploring her to listen.

"I promise" Emily said softly "now please, I've taken you away from Caleb for long enough" Hanna's face immediately drenched with guilt.

"I don't want to leave you" She said, scrambling for a last hug, nestling her head into Emily's neck as a last form of comfort.

"Han, go. Please, I'm okay" She pulled away, kissing her friend softly on the cheek. "I love you" Emily said quietly "thank you so much for being here."

"Always" Han whispered as the cab behind her beeped one last time, before she hurried off back to reality, leaving Emily stood on the curb, feeling more alone than ever. The streets of Rosewood suddenly seemed unfamiliar and cold. As she linked her mother's arm walking through the square, her mind was completely lost in itself. All she could think about was her father. His kind, warm face flooded her eyes and she could feel her heart break a little more, she was beginning to think it would never be able to heal. It would just become a pain that would eventually soften, maybe even dull, that she would learn to live with. But at the moment, with her friends spread far and wide across the country and her mother still spending most of her time in bed, it was difficult for her to believe she would ever escape from this nightmare.

"I'm proud of you, Emily" her mother's voice suddenly broke through her cloud, it was sincere, but she was still struggling to hide the effort it took for her to even force the words to materialize. Emily smiled in return, unsure of what to say. She didn't think her mother should be proud of her, the way she performed at the funeral.

"I'm proud of you too, Ma" She said eventually "I really am"

"We're gonna be okay" Pam seemed to promise, though Emily had given up on the whole notion of promises a long time ago.

"Yeah" she agreed half-heartedly "I know"

"What are you thinking about, sweetie? College? You know, you don't have to go back if you aren't ready. We can figure it out, I'll make some calls and-" Emily shook her head furiously, stopping them in the street and pulling her mother to sit down on a bench at the side, just by the ice cream parlor they used to visit when she was a kid.

"Ma, I want to go back. I need to get out of this town" Though she knew it would be a blow to hear, she decided a long time ago that honesty would always be her way forward. "everywhere I look I either see dad or -A" Her mother took a sharp intake of breath, holding her hand tighter as the pair of them pretended they didn't see the stares they were getting from across the street. "and I'm sick of everybody knowing my name" She whispered.

"I get that, honey" Pam reassured her daughter, wanting nothing more than to take the pain of those memories and have them herself. Rather she suffered a hundred times over than Emily ever have to think about the person who hurt her the most over and over again. "and if you say you're ready then I'll accept that. I'm just really gonna miss you"

"I know. I'll miss you too" Em replied. And it was true, she would. Being home, despite everything, had helped heal her in more ways than one. But now that she was going back to California, she could almost feel the heat on her skin bringing her back to life already, she could hear the water and the laughter of her classmates who had no idea what she was hiding behind her smile. It was going to be so much easier for her to move on away from the town that she was trying to move on from, and no guilt about leaving her mother behind should stop her from pursuing her own mental health.

"How about a last supper?" Pam asked, "I can make anything you want before you fly back tomorrow, okay?" Emily nodded eagerly- she would definitely miss her mother's cooking.

"Yeah, that sounds great, Ma" she hesitated slightly in the middle of the crossroads, one leading to Ali's house and the other to her own "You go on without me. I'm gonna stop by Ali's and say goodbye." Her mother's face fell a little, but in understanding she wandered back home alone. With a few minutes to herself, she was able to reflect on the last month in peace. Every step felt heavy, heavy with the weight of her grief. Heavy with desperate sadness. Heavy with an animal yearning to guzzle on a bottle of whiskey. Heavy with the understanding that she shouldn't. Before she knew it she was knocking on her door again, not ready to say goodbye.

"Emily" Ali said, beaming "I wasn't expecting you"

"I know" she replied, smiling slightly "I just thought I should come and say goodbye. My flight's early tomorrow" She was still waiting for invitation inside.

"Is it the 14th already?" She said, frowning suddenly. Shaking her head, she stepped outside. Draped around her body was a pale pink silk dressing gown, her hair was a little ruffled at the back, and Emily suddenly understood why she seemed so distracted.

"yeah" she nodded, trying and failing to hide the devastation and seeing the outline of a man in Alison's front window. "so, goodbye I guess" Ali almost ran to her as she flung her arms around her neck.

"I love you" she said, completely innocently as she stroked Emily's back in soft, comforting circles.

"I love you too, Ali"

"I don't like the thought of you going back alone" She whispered into her neck "the flight…it's not okay"

"I won't be alone" she said "Paige is waiting for me in Cali"

"Right" she hesitated "yeah" There was a meaningful silence. "I'd invite you inside but…" she didn't finish her sentence, but Emily understood perfectly.

"I gotcha" She said "thank you again, Ali. You've been incredible" Ali nodded, moving closer so they were inches apart. For a split second, Emily thought this was it. She was going to kiss her. And she did, beautifully soft and heartbreakingly gentle on her cheek. If only she knew the butterflies it sent swarming around her tummy.

"I'm only a phone call away" She promised "I'll see you soon, Emmy" And just like that, Emily found herself walking back out the drive. She couldn't help but get a look back through the window, and she wanted to burn her eyes out after watching Ali jump onto the guys waist, her tongue deep inside his throat as he ripped off her gown. Suddenly all she could think about was making Ali scream for _her_ again. Knowing that it should be her waist she was wrapped around, but also knowing that it was never going to happen. Get over yourself, she thought, shaking her head.

Pathetic.

…

And just like that, she was sat at JFK waiting for her flight. Her mother had dropped her off, and she had made it through security and all the way to the gate without getting nervous. Without, almost entirely, thinking about her dad. Or Alison. In front of her, two girls were sat making out. On one of them, a ring the size of her fist sparkled smugly in the light. Emily wondered if one day that would be her and Paige. She could barely stop the laughter that escaped her lips. Thankfully, she was distracted by the buzz of her phone.

"Spencer?" She said, happy but confused to hear from her; as far as she knew she and Toby were having their reunion that day.

"Emily" she said "I was just calling to check you were okay" Emily practically rolled her eyes; this was the third call she had gotten that day- the other two from Hanna and Aria. And while she was grateful for the concern, it was hard to not feel like an invalid when you were being checked up on every half hour. After a short and sweet conversation, boarding finally started; she could practically smell the sun already.

…

She was handed a glass of champagne. Headphones in, blaring music, she was comfortable. She felt okay. She was even managing to maintain some serious eye contact with one of the girls sat across from her. It was horrible, but she couldn't help but picture how much fun it would be to take her into the restroom and make the flight go that much quicker.

Paige. She had to think of Paige. Shaking her head, she let the girl go. She was loyal- that was who she was. Nothing was going to change that about her.

"Hello, I'm here. I'm late?" Emily's face contorted into confusion as the voice echoed through the plane and to her seat.

"Ali?" She stood up from her seat, walking over and talking her bag "are you out of your mind? What are you doing here?"

"Pleasure to see you too, Em" She sighed "I'm just glad I got the right flight" She pulled Emily into her arms again, almost crushing her from the pressure "I'm not letting you do this journey alone." The look in her eye told her she was deadly serious. And so, whether she liked it or not, Emily had a new roommate.


	7. kiss it better

"It's beautiful" Ali said as the pair of them arrived back at Emily and Paige's flat, three suitcases following behind. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the large canvas of two women, one positioned under the other in an intimate exchange, her cheeks suddenly reddening as she realized what it was.

"Yeah" Emily chuckled as she watched Ali's gaze "Paige is big on the tacky lesbian stuff" Ali just smiled, her mind suddenly flashing back to the night that had changed everything between them.

"I like it" She said honestly. It was a cute place, plants everywhere and light shining from every direction. The kitchen was small, but white surfaces shone and the high ceilings made up for the lack of counter space. "no walls?" she noted as one room flowed into the other. Emily shook her head.

"nope" she said "it bothered me at first, but you get used to it" Ali's gaze travelled upwards as she saw the mezzanine, where a double bed was resting above them. "the sofa has a bed in it" Emily told her, preempting her question.

"perfect" Ali muttered. There was silence for a minute as Emily made her way to the kitchen, boiling a pan of water to make them tea. Connecting to the Bluetooth, she let music cloud over them.

"I can't believe you're here" she broke the comfortable silence that had settled over them "it's surreal" Ali felt the same. As Emily placed a cup of tea down in front of her, a wave of serenity washed over her entire body.

"It's strange" she conceded "we went so long without talking and yet… I've never felt so comfortable around you" Emily's heart dropped a little- it had suddenly become so painful to think about the year of her life that was devoid of Alison. Her smile, her smell, her laugh, her eyes. Oh god, those eyes.

"can we forget about that?" she said with a laugh. Ali nodded her head in agreement, taking a sip of tea as she looked Emily in the eyes. For a moment, Emily felt calm.

"Em!" Paige's voice suddenly hollered through the apartment, and Emily couldn't help but laugh as she saw the horror spread over Alison's face.

"be nice" she whispered, "she is my girlfriend, okay?" Ali nodded slowly, returning her attention back to her tea- almost too passionately.

"welcome home" Paige sang as she pulled Emily towards her and kissed her squarely on the lips. "Alison" she greeted her. Emily stood between them, biting her lip and praying that the other would be friendly. Clearly, she didn't hide it very well.

"I didn't want her flying alone" Ali said cautiously.

"No, I mean yeah you're right. I'm glad she had you"

"Cool. Good. Okay, well I'm gonna head out. I need to get the plane feeling off me and you guys should catch up" It pained Emily to feel the heart ache at the thought of being separated.

"Text me later and we can grab some lunch?" Emily asked, seemingly not noticing the angry pout that had sprouted from her girlfriend's face.

"Yeah" Ali agreed quickly, enveloping herself into Emily's chest despite her second guesses. "I'll see you later Paige" It was received with barely a nod.

…

"I think this will be good for you" Em sat in the car, black leather pants almost melting off her in the Californian heat. Paige sat in the driver's seat.

"Yeah" Emily agreed "I need to see the swim team again."

"I know you don't feel ready to go back to school yet" Paige reminded her "but I'm proud that you're taking this step." Emily didn't respond, focused too highly on the perfect blend of her eyeshadow to worry herself with the dread of returning to her studies. Ali still hadn't returned home yet, she was hoping by going out it would take her mind off of her. "you look good"

"Thanks" she replied, "I'll see you at home, okay?"

"Yeah" Paige said stoically "have fun" She kissed her lightly on the cheek before Emily grabbed her clutch and ran into the bar, ready to forget about everything. Everything that life had thrown at her, and everything that had her heart race speeding when she pictured her and Alison alone together. With an over the top smile, and the spaghetti straps that hardly held her chest in, Emily flashed her fake ID at the bouncer and happily meandered over to the bar.

"Hi stranger" The bar tender smiled at her, not even waiting for the order before placing a beer in front of her.

"Hey Vic" She took a sip; it was nice to be greeted with a soft kind of taste when drinking. She wasn't missing the fire that greeted her throat after downing whiskey or vodka.

"Long time no see! Where have you been gorgeous?" It was impossible not to notice how her eyes darkened after her light-hearted comment, but it lit something inside of Emily. Something she hadn't felt for a while.

"Needed to get out of the city" technically not lying "I'm supposed to be meeting some friends but" she looked at her phone, frowning miserably as she saw they were an hour late "I guess they aren't coming" Maybe it was the fact she had chosen a gay club, they'd walked in, seen the lesbians and left.

"I'm sorry" yet she sounded far from it "but I get off soon. I don't mind keeping you company"

"You get off soon?" Emily didn't know what she was doing. She didn't know if she was sad about her dad or angry at Paige or heartbroken over Alison. What she did know was that none of that would excuse whatever this woman thought was gonna happen tonight. What she so clearly desperately wanted to happen. Desperate. Desperation seeped from her eyes. So much so that it made it almost impossible for Emily to remember why it was a bad idea.

"real soon" She said with a grin, throwing four shot glasses in front of Emily and filling them to the brim with gold tequila. Emily knew she shouldn't. She had promised everyone she loved she would stay away from any and all alcohol- she had felt bad just having that one pint. But as she looked at it, teasing her, it was all she needed. And when she looked at the blonde, dark red lipstick begging to be smudged, tight black uniform screaming to be ripped off- suddenly she bargained with herself that if this was really gonna happen, she'd need something to numb the pain first. And the warmth of the golden waterfall falling down her throat like honey, grazing her insides with a nice sting to make her feel that little bit more alive. It was beautiful.

"that was impressive" Vic laughed, walking round to her as her manager waved her off the bar. Suddenly her hand was resting on Emily's shoulder, uncovered. Goosebumps ignited across her body.

"you haven't seen anything yet"

…

The night blazed by them in a fiery ball of shots and laughter and shared scars of the horrors of closeted lesbianism. By midnight they were both bent over backwards with laughter; in all honesty Emily couldn't remember the last time she had felt so free. So weightless. She wasn't asking if she was okay every second. She didn't look at her with that awful pity in her eyes like everyone else in her life seemed to, no matter how hard they tried to hide it.

"You're kind of beautiful, you know that?" As the laughter stopped for a moment, the space between them closed. The feel of Vic's breath so close to her skin sent her heart racing, and she wanted nothing more than to kiss her.

"I have a girlfriend" Emily reluctantly whispered- wanting more than anything for it not to be a problem but knowing it would be. Vic rolled her eyes loosely, before smirking slightly.

"That really doesn't bother me, angel" There it was.

Tonight was going to be the night that Emily cheated.

"Don't call me angel" The air between them froze, and suddenly it wasn't fun anymore. It was intense, and the rest of the bar disappeared from sight.

"I'll call you whatever you want me to" as she licked her lips slowly, her eyes never left Emily's. Without a second thought, not letting room for hesitation ruin what was bound to be the most soul-destroying night of her life, Emily roughly took her hand and dragged her across the dance floor.

"You tell no one" She ordered.

"Pinky promise" Emily couldn't decide if it was a lie or not. But that didn't stop her from shoving Vic into the cubicle, grabbing her wrists and holding them above her head, finally kissing her with an animalistic instinct she had been trying and failing to fight all night.

….

It didn't take long for the guilt to be replaced by anticipation. A carnal need for her hands to leave their marks across her skin, for her to moan her name as Emily kept her quiet; nobody could find them here.

"Do it again" Vic begged underneath her "do it harder" She grabbed her by the waist as she jumped and wrapped her legs around her, Emily's hands roughly pulling at her hair as she melted under her touch.

"You like being fucked in a restroom?" Emily whispered into her ear as Vic's eyes darkened while she quickly lost what little control she had left. Emily could feel the pain of a hickey being tattooed onto her; but at that moment she didn't care.

"You're like a drug" Vic moaned as she flung her neck back and let Emily finish her "I've been waiting so long for this"

"Stop talking" If she talked for too long Emily would suddenly drop back to earth with realization of what she was doing. The trust she was breaking. The relationship she was ruining.

"Whatever you say" But as the girl shook with pleasure, her hair matted with sweat and the smell of her overtook Emily's senses, none of that mattered. She basked in the joy that this was the best pain relief she could've had.


	8. closing doors

Days passed in a blur. Days that turned into weeks and weeks turned into one month exactly since Emily made the worst decision of her life. That's not to say she hadn't made the same mistake again. Not just once, or twice, or even three times. Every time it got too much, or Paige got too distant, or Ali too demanding, she ran away into the arms of a perfect stranger. It was always going to be the last time. Just once more. Again and again and again, until one day it became too much.

"Where the hell have you been?" Paige practically jumped on Emily as she came home after a long night. She could still smell the night before on her; tequila on her breath, the touch of someone that wasn't her girlfriend still stained on her arms, her legs, her neck, her chest.

"Not now, Paige" She had a pair of thick black sunglasses on, but the daylight was still hurting her head.

"Yes, now, Emily. Tell me where you've been" Emily didn't even notice that Ali was sat on their table until she heard her voice- it seemed to be the only thing that wasn't making her headache worse.

"Paige" She said sternly "give it a minute"

"This isn't good cop bad cop, Alison" Paige shot back "she's _my _girlfriend. Nobody asked you to be here"

"_I _asked her to be here" Emily interjected. "I'm going to bed"

"It's four o clock in the afternoon" Paige exclaimed, the disapproval in her voice was almost laughable. Emily ignored both of them as she trudged upstairs, guilt still heavy in her chest but unable to care enough as the room started to spin again.

"That was very helpful, Alison" Paige sneered at the blonde who sat quietly, exhausted from the drama.

"I'm not here to help you, Paige. I know what she's going through, okay? This isn't Emily" Paige was unusually silent as she stood in the centre of the room, her eyes drifting out of focus.

"She had a hickey on her neck" Ali said nothing in response; she didn't want to make it her job to comfort Paige. But at the same time tension strangled the room. The dilemma was avoided as Paige sighed defeatedly, walking out of the room with little more than a grunt of goodbye. Ali was left alone, debating whether or not Paige had a point when she said it wasn't her place to be here. She was embarrassed by how quickly that thought left her mind as Emily came trudging down the stairs scantily dressed in a cotton towel, water still dripping off her skin and onto the floor below.

"Good morning" Ali said monotonously, not knowing why her heart had started beating a little faster as Emily walked by her to grab a coffee.

"Sorry" she said eventually "I know you didn't come here to listen to me and Paige fight" Ali sighed, hearing the guilt and exhaustion and sadness all from one sentence.

"No" Ali agreed "I came to make sure you're okay. I came because you told me that you needed me" She didn't know where the anger was coming from, but the hickey that was practically glowing from the side of her neck probably had something to do with it. A stretch of silence followed her words as Emily distracted herself with the kettle.

"I do need you" It was clear as day, she wasn't ashamed of that fact. But somehow seeing Ali sat on her table made her realise how much she was hurting both of them. She couldn't keep pretending that she was fine. She was destroying her relationship and if she wasn't careful she was going to destroy her friendship with one of the most important people in her life. Abruptly, Ali walked over to her. Her head still hammered from the night before, but as Ali reached out for her hand it softened somewhat.

"I want to help you" She said, sincerity dripping from her words "but you've got to try helping yourself too" Emily watched as her eyes hovered over her neck, shame washing over her.

"I don't want to hurt her" Emily said sheepishly "but something happens when I drink. I remember how much better I feel about everything when I'm touching someone. When i feel someone on my skin who doesn't know anything. Who doesn't pity me. Who just wants me and doesn't care about my name"

"So, sleep with your girlfriend" Ali said sharply; she couldn't bring herself to be judgemental. "or break up with you girlfriend. You know I'm not her biggest fan, Em, but she doesn't deserve to watch the girl she loves come home with the smell of someone else on her every night" Emily sighed.

"I can't do that" She said, almost a whisper as her voice started to break "I can't handle more change"

"Emmy, listen to me" Emily froze for a second; it was the first time anyone other than her parents had called her that in years. She acknowledged it with a soft smile, but otherwise Ali carried on as if nothing had happened. "I'm going to leave if you don't start helping yourself more, okay?" She said it clearly, but didn't let any anger that she felt at her friend escape in her tone.

"No" Emily's head shot up from her coffee at Alison's words, her tone injected with more emotion than the latter had heard in days "no" she repeated more calmly "don't leave" Ali wanted to stay firm with her but something in the way that Emily spoke told her she couldn't be; it was impossible to stay angry with her when she made her feel in pity in ways she had never experienced before. They stood in silence for a second as Ali looked in Emily's eyes, trying desperately to discover what she was so stubbornly hiding.

"Remember when I first came back to Rosewood" She said eventually, her breath hitching in the back of her throat at the memory. "you took my hand and you asked me not to leave" she shivered a little as she looked back "you begged me" Emily frowned with confusion, crossing her arms a little defensively.

"Are you asking me to beg you, Ali?" Ali laughed.

"No, sweetie" She promised "I stayed for you then" The way she said it, it sounded as if it was some big confession that she had been hiding away all these years. "And I'm gonna stay for you now. But only if you promise me something" Emily was embarrassed by how happy she suddenly felt.

"Anything" she agreed.

"You need help, Em" Ali muttered "professional help. And you need to either break up with Paige or stop sleeping around. It's time to stop living in your grief bubble and start putting yourself back together" Emily barely hesitated her response.

"Therapy I can agree to" She conceded, knowing her mom would put up the money if it meant she'd start to feel better "but I'm not breaking up with Paige. And you don't have the right to ask me to do that anymore" She wanted to storm out because how dare Alison pretend like there was any other reason than jealousy that she wanted her to break up with Paige? How dare she hide behind her feelings _again _because she was too scared to admit how she really felt? _Again_? Or was Emily just wishfully thinking? God, she hated this.

"Okay" Ali said surprisingly "I'll find you a doctor" Emily nodded.

"Thank you" She said sincerely.

"And school? Are you going to start going again?" Ali knew that she had exceeded the amount of time off UCLA were allowing her; it had been over a month since they had come home, and she was yet to go to a lecture or a training session. Emily practically froze at the question, turning away from her friend and burying her head in her coffee cup. "Em?"

"I'm not on the team anymore" She muttered finally, the first time she had said it out loud since she had received the official letter yesterday morning "they kicked me off. Apparently I wasn't 'committed' enough or something" Ali's heart sank to her feet. She couldn't tell how Emily felt; the way her voice dipped, and she refused to look her in the eye told her it was probably devastated.

"Em-" Ali began, moving closer to her and placing a hand on her back in an attempt at comfort.

"My scholarship" She continued, turning around into Ali's chest so that her head was lying on her heart, Ali's arms around her body a welcome embrace. Ali didn't need her to finish her sentence. Her scholarship was over because the only reason she was in school to begin with was her swimming. Emily was out. There were no words left to stay as she stood in the middle of the room practically clinging to Ali like her life depended on it.

"We'll sort it out" Ali said "I promise" Emily just nodded, letting herself be comforted in ways she couldn't help but think Paige could never achieve.

…

A few days passed, spent doing nothing much except waiting with Ali for Paige to come home from swimming. They walked on the beach and they tried to cook and Emily even tired (unsuccessfully) to teach Ali how to roller blade. It didn't even feel like she had been made to leave college, if anything she felt better for it away from all the pressure and backstabbing that comes with swimming for one of the most successful championship teams in the country. There was one day, though, were everything finally changed. Ali had had to drive into the city to meet up with her father; there had been complications with Charlotte that Emily didn't care to ask about and Ali wasn't thoughtless enough to expand upon. Emily walked by herself on the beach that morning and all she had thought of the whole time was Ali. When she arrived home, she was greeted with boxes and suitcases piled neatly by the front door. Paige sat silently on the sofa, her eyes fixed at nothing in particular out the window, arms crossed, and her jaw clenched. As Emily walked closer, Paige's eyes fluttered shut in what Emily could only identify as relief.

"Is Ali leaving?" She tried to keep the fear out of her voice, but it practically echoed around the small room.

"Jesus" Paige muttered. "I'm done" It took just a second for her to process what Paige had said.

"what are you talking about?" Emily's voice broke as it dawned on her. She didn't want to be sad; she deserved this. "you're kicking me out?"

"No" Paige said "I wouldn't kick you out when you have no where else. I'm going to stay with some friends who live closer to campus. But me and you are done, Emily. I can't do this anymore"

"I'm getting help" Emily said quietly as Paige began to walk towards the door "please" Paige smiled, leaning forwards and briefly touching her lips to Emily's cheek.

"I'm glad" She said sincerely "but that doesn't change what you've done" The faces of the four girls that Emily had slept with suddenly crashed into her mind.

"They don't mean anything. They _didn't _mean anything. I was drunk and-and depressed I-"

"I wasn't talking about them" Paige said firmly, her hand on the door knob "I gave you everything I had but it wasn't enough to stop you from falling in love with someone else"

"What are you-"

"Goodbye, Emily" Paige said with a sudden finality, yanking the door open and leaving briskly before Emily had a chance to say anything else. Emily stood, weightless, as the door slammed behind her. After that, she was confronted with an odd mix of emotions. On the one hand she wanted to scream at Paige. How dare she leave when she needed her the most? On the other, she wanted to scream at herself. How dare she treat the girl that loved her like that? But most of all, she felt relief. There was no need to pretend anymore. No need to act as if everything was fine, bury everything under the carpet and watch from a distance as she broke Paige's heart. All she could do was sigh and let herself collapse onto the sofa. By the time she woke up, it was dark outside. Her skin felt dry, her eyes scratchy. Tears must have betrayed her while she slept. Maybe this was going to be more difficult than she had first thought.

"You're awake" Ali's voice, though surprising, was more comforting than anything else. Emily smiled softly, sitting up from the sofa as Ali stood up to sit down with her.

"Hi" Emily said, her throat hoarse "I missed you" It was the first time she had felt calm in days.

"I missed you too, sweetie" Ali said, gently placing her hand on top of Emily's who sat, still a little dumbfounded from that morning's events. "is Paige around?" It was an innocent question, but just hearing her name made Emily want to scream. She didn't respond, instead she abruptly stood up, yanking her hand free from Alison's grasp as bolting out of the door without a second glance, leaving Ali no choice but to run after her.


	9. midnight touch

"You didn't have to follow me out here" She didn't need to turn around to feel Ali watching her as she sat with her knees crossed looking out onto the ocean. Bass from the surrounding clubs vibrated through the night, but all she was paying attention to was the gentle crashing of the waves against the carpet of sand that greeted them.

"You thought you could run out here at midnight and I _wouldn't_ followyou?" Emily turned around, the wind blowing her hair across her face, and was met with Ali's soothing gaze. She said nothing, but just watched as she pulled her jacket off and sat down beside her, wrapping it around the pair of them.

"I don't want you to get cold" Emily mumbled "I'll meet you inside" The only response she got was a soft laugh and a shake of the head. For a while they sat in silence; the warmth of Ali's touch both keeping the goosebumps away but also causing them to trickle across her body. This was all she needed right now. Just the moonlight, the water and Ali. Maybe even just Ali. Whatever it was in that moment the pain and the guilt and the shame that had ruined her for the last few months seemed to disappear, even if it was only for a moment. She suddenly felt the tension just fold out of her, her muscles unclenching and blood flowing around her at a normal rate once again. She felt safe. "you must think I'm an ass" She muttered after a little while "the way I've been acting" Ali frowned in disbelief, holding her a little closer as Emily let her head drop onto her shoulder.

"You're hurting" She mused "I think you made mistakes because you're human"

"Sure" Emily said scathingly "I cheated on her. More than once. That isn't me" And while it was true, Ali conceded, that she had cheated, it didn't make her bad person. It just made her a person.

"Em, I'm not saying that what you did was right" She said softly "I'm just saying that you're a person who isn't perfect. And you weren't thinking straight"

"I should try and apologise" She said, already trying to scramble up off the floor and find wherever Paige had gone. Ali pulled her back down before she could even take one step.

"I think- I think Paige deserves some space right now, Emily" She said, harsh enough so that Emily didn't resist being pulled back down but not so harsh that she felt attacked. "she seemed pretty crushed"

"Right" she muttered, the loss on her face evident from her glazed expression and cracks of worry that littered her skin. Ali was surprised at her co-operation, she expected it to be a lot harder to convince her to stay seated. "Is it bad that I don't feel sad" She asked, her heart becoming heavier as guilt started to appear again, this time because she knew she was expected to feel bad about Paige yet knowing that she didn't.

"No" Ali said quietly "you've known for a while you didn't want to be with her. That's okay" And though the words she said were true, Ali couldn't help but think how terrible this situation was. She knew what it was like to have Emily and lose her; the pain Paige would be going through now was unimaginable.

"We used to be happy" she muttered "I feel dirty" she admitted. Sand ran lazily through her fingers as she grabbed a handful from shame.

"Sweetie you aren't a bad person" she promised "you're a person who did a few bad things. There's a difference" When all she got in response was a sigh, she playfully nudged her "I would know, right?"

"That's true" Emily conceded. For a minute they sat in quiet, Emily appreciating the serenity of her surroundings; appreciating being away from Rosewood again. Everything was still; it was a nice change from the constant movement in her head. In the distance she could vaguely see an eagle swoop down and dive into the water, its beak remerging with a struggling fish flapping for life.

"Did you see something?" Ali asked her, noticing where her gaze had been fixed for the last few minutes "in the water?" Emily stuttered over her words, her mind wiping again the second Ali distracted her thoughts.

"I want to go in" She said suddenly, not even realising that that's what had been flowing through her. Once she had said it it overtook her. The need to feel water wash over her skin again was incomprehensible, the desire to feel weightless and free was the only thing she cared about. Before Ali could even stop her, she had moved herself away from the blonde's vicinity and staggered onto her feet, ripping her top off and unbuttoning shorts.

"Em, wait!" She heard Ali call for her as she raced down the beach, the sand tickling between her toes and the sea breeze biting at her exposed body. But she didn't stop; she had never felt more alive. Without warning the ocean engulfed her, the water welcoming her home. For the first time in a long time her face crept into a smile, and laughter erupted out of her.

"Come in!" She yelled back to Ali who stood at the edge, concern the prominent feature in her face. "I'll look after you" As she said it she dived under the top layer, the dazzling nothingness of the ocean at night overwhelming her. Every way she looked she was greeted with more and more black; like spilled ink across a blank canvas, occasionally broken by specs of moonlight, shattered by the water so the lines blurred in confusing patterns. She pushed herself back towards the sky, her hair billowing behind her, to find Ali and let her know it was safe. She was met with the blonde stood in nothing as the edge of the waters broke around her ankles, her arms crossed over her chest as her nerves radiated out of her. Emily had to restart her heart as she took in the sight. The other girl smiled sheepishly, unaware of the effect she was having on Emily's breathing. For a second, they both stood still, Emily taking in a sight she hadn't seen in so many years. It was only at that moment that she realised it had been _too _many years. Beauty had never seemed so raw.

"Ali, you look-" Emily began breathlessly, but Ali interrupted her before she could finish.

"Is it safe?" She asked hesitantly as she dipped her feet further into the waves.

"Yes" Emily promised with a sigh, scalding herself for even trying to go there "it's safe" That was all it took for Ali to run into the water without a second glance. She couldn't control the adrenalin that was pumping through her; she felt on fire. She hadn't been this reckless since the girls left her. Everything with Charlotte vanished, slipping out of her mind just for this moment. Just so she could be with her. With Emily. She kept running, water splashing onto her legs with unadulterated enthusiasm. Emily had ducked under the water; Ali couldn't explain why her heart stopped beating as she pulled herself up again, her hair like silk along her back, dripping with sea water. For a second their eyes met as Emily took Ali's hand and pulled her in so that the ocean engulfed her. But she didn't feel scared, not with Emily's hand still holding hers. And for a second, just a second, she suddenly became very aware of the fact that she was naked.

"Are you okay?" Ali said softy, her hand still holding Emily's as they planted their feet on the sandy bottom of the shore. Being in the water again had made Emily feel alive. Goosebumps covered her body, not just from the chill of the night but because she hadn't realised how much she had missed this. She didn't want to cry in front of Ali, not again. It took all she had in her to keep the tears from burning her skin. Turning to face the blonde who stood warily next to her, she didn't know what took over her as she rested a hand lightly on her face. "Em-" Ali breathed almost inaudibly "what are you doing?" The fear was so obvious in her voice it was almost painful.

"It's okay" Emily promised "stop fighting it" And for a second, just a second, she did. Every instinct that told her why she shouldn't do it disappeared from her mind and she let herself lean in, she let herself melt into Emily's, their lips touching for the first time in a life time. In that moment, the world stood still. All the tensions that had clouded their minds, the tensions between themselves and the tensions that had lay dormant over the last 2 years vanished from their minds and the only focus was each other. Emily's lips were soft and tasted vaguely of the ocean. Ali's hand lay tangled in Emily's hair, she had never seemed more like her mermaid as their chests pressed together, the kiss become more fierce as Emily threw herself into it, her skin burning at the feel of Ali's passionate touch.

"Em, Em, slow down" Ali was breathless as she pulled away, Emily's heart snapping in her chest. Ali smirked at her fallen expression, leaning in and tracing her lips across her neck as she landed at her ear "let's get out of here" Emily wasn't sure what happened between that moment and arriving back at her apartment, everything around them blurred out of focus as she pushed Ali down on top of her bed, hastily removing the clothes they had thrown back on at the beach. Materials were flung across the room, Emily not wanting to wait as she trailed kisses down Ali's stomach. Little moans escaped her lips before Emily had even reached her belly button. Her skin was soft like velvet as she teased it with her fingers, running up and down the inside of her thighs as her tongue danced across her body. Ali's hold on the sheets became almost laughable, the crumples tearing up the edges as Emily ducked further down, butterflies swarming to her stomach.

"Ali, you're dripping" Emily couldn't resist the moan that fell out of her lips, not having the strength to tease Ali a second longer. "is this okay?" She whispered, wanting to be sure that this was what Ali wanted before she went any further.

"Y-yeah" Ali found the energy to breathe out, barely able to think under Emily's touch. Part of her thought this was wrong. Emily was vulnerable, and scared and sad. It wasn't within her to take advantage of that, especially when she herself was in no position to take this any further. But it was so hard to care when Emily felt that good.

"Em" Ali said hesitantly as Emily's head popped up from between her thighs, her hands trailing the insides as she leaned up and kissed Ali on the lips "stop" She didn't want to. The taste of herself on Emily's tongue was enough to drive her over the edge. And she had never looked so beautiful. With nothing but a small thong on, Ali couldn't decide where she wanted to look the most, she needed to refresh her memories of Emily, she _needed_ it like nothing else.

"what's wrong? did I hurt you?" Panic and confusion flashed in her eyes; she wasn't exactly used to girls asking her to stop half way through.

"No" Ali reassured her quickly "there was…nothing wrong with that" Emily looked at her, trying to hold back a laugh because she was practically drooling, her form weak as she tried to steady herself. Ali titled her head to the side, reaching out and cupping Emily's cheek, her skin soft but hot under her touch. "you're going through stuff, Em" Ali said, trying not to hurt her. "I really don't want to take advantage of you" Emily didn't bother responding verbally, instead pushing Ali back down underneath her, leaving hard and passionate kisses down her neck and across her chest. They had tomorrow to think about the consequences, to regret and to move passed the awkwardness. Right now, all Emily needed was Ali. In whatever form that came, she needed her like she needed air to breathe.

"Are you sure?" Ali said again, refraining from screaming out as Emily's hips press down into the top of her thigh, linking her fingers through the band of her panties and tearing them off her. After that, they spoke only with their eyes as Emily's darkened with longing. Ali didn't need to question their decision again, the screams that echoed around the building until the early hours of the morning were enough to prove that it was the right one.


End file.
